Archive for September, 2010
Giant Motionless Robot Attacks!
Springfield, MO—At twenty minutes before eight, central time, Professor Farrell of the Missouri State University Observatory, reported observing several explosions of incandescent gas, occurring at regular intervals on the planet Mars. Moments later a large, mostly immobile Martian robot was seen hovering over Jordan Valley Park. The expressionless metallic invader stuck fear into nearby park […]
Local Man Too Excited About Today
September 29,2010 is a very exciting day for Springfield resident Tom Banner not because it has any significance, but because it specifically has no significance. “Everyone gets excited about July 4th, or April 20th, but sometimes it takes little useless days to make us step back and realize how wonderful the world is,” Banner said. […]
SGF City Council Stares at Goats
Springfield MO—People that hope to raise chickens in their backyards may soon have goats to go along with them. An attempt to allow the citizens of Springfield to have two goats on their property is being sponsored by Tom Tuttle, president of the Ozark Goat Ropers Club. “With all this newfound evidence of growing and […]
CityZip Downtown Zipline Opens at Heer’s Building
Springfield, MO—The home of cashew chicken, diverging diamond traffic lanes and the world’s biggest outdoors sporting goods store now has another first—a downtown zip line. CityZip has opened inside the Heer’s Building adding another exciting attraction to the Ozarks. “Zip lines are really popular now, so I’m glad to see that trend available for us […]
Bistro Market ‘Bigger Than Jesus’
Springfield, MO—After years as downtown Springfield’s most recognized poster-board evangelist, Mathew Bolen has traded his post at the corner of South and Walnut for Wagyu beef, fresh ground almond butter, and organic chard. “Bistro Market is what I’d been praying for,” said Bolen. “When Wheeler’s moved out, I filled the hole in my heart with […]
First Airport Diverging Diamond Runways Opens
Springfield, MO—Just a month after completing the second diverging diamond intersection in Springfield at National Ave. and James River Freeway, city and airport officials held a ribbon cutting on Monday to celebrate the “first-in-the-nation” diverging diamond runways at the Springfield Branson National Airport. The $22 million dollar project is being hailed by city officials as […]
Students Read, Drink and Make Love
Republic, MO—Local students have learned that by reading books they can learn how to get drunk, and live promiscuous lifestyles. Usually these traits are picked up genetically or by observing the behaviors of their parents. Fortunately, two communities in the Ozarks are providing safe havens for students who don’t want to learn about drinking and […]
Superman’s Fortress Appears Near Hammons’ Tower
Springfield, MO—Due to global warming, Superman’s Fortress of Solitude has begun to appear at the Commons Park at National Street and Trafficway. The spiky fortress peaks began to appear last week and city leaders are worried that the appearance will delay the development of the new park touted as the gateway to Jordan Valley. “I […]
Cider Days Enjoys Beautiful Weather; Artsfest Cursed
Springfield, MO—The Cider Days Festival enjoyed beautiful weather much to the dismay of Artsfest organizers this past weekend. Artsfest, which usually occurs on a rainy weekend has longed for a weekend such as this for their event to bask in. “I’m happy for Cider Days,” said an Artsfest committee member though clenched teeth. “I just […]
Snuggies Allowed in R-12 Classrooms
Springfield MO - In an effort to reduce energy costs in the Springfield public schools, all teachers will be wearing the popular “Snuggie” in the classroom. “We recently sent out a memorandum stating that due to high energy consumption, personal space heaters, coffee makers, refrigerators, popcorn makers, and microwave ovens will no longer be allowed […]
Bed Bugs Bite; MSU Tuck-Ins Awesome
Springfield, MO—Missouri State University is addressing a growing pest concern by offering a “tuck-in” service for all students who are fighting with bed bugs. According to sources, a residence advisor will visit dorm rooms that are reporting pest problems, tuck each student into bed and recite the phrase, “sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs […]
Eckersley To Live In Van By The River If Elected
Springfield MO.- Seventh congressional candidate Scott Eckersley has vowed not only to take a pay cut if elected, but to cut other expenses by living in his camper van by the Potomac River in Washington D.C.. “I recently came out and said I would take a lower salary from the $174,000.00 representatives make down to […]
Billy Long Cardboard Cutout Agrees to Debate
Springfield MO - After weeks of negotiations between the seventh congressional candidates, Billy Long has agreed to a question and answer session between himself and his democratic opponent Scott Eckersly. The date for the event is scheduled for November 1st, one day before the election. According to the terms of the debate, sources have indicated […]
AREA MAN DISCOVERS “CASHEW CHICKEN” IS JUST FRIED CHICKEN IN OYSTER GRAVY
Springfield, MO – “I’m just beside myself” declares area high school football coach Grant Llewellyn. “I grew up here in Springfield and I’ve always been led to believe that cashew chicken is a rare and incredibly exotic dish that one could only have prepared by highly trained and secretive master chefs of The Ozarks. This […]
Wheelchair-Chasing-Pedestrian Crossing Unveiled
Springfield, MO—A new street crossing has been added to the thoroughfares of town, a place where wheelchair bound people can run down pedestrians in order to cross the road. Several disabled people claim the new sign as a huge success. “I love it. I get to mow people down in my ride if they are […]
