The Heat Is Off

Springfieldians cool off by drinking beer in a kiddie pool

Springfield MO—Relief from the 100-plus degree days of summer will soon be on the way to the people of Springfield.  “We didn’t know what to tell people on how to cool down,” said Bill Bosco senior spokesman for the Springfield Health Department.  “While driving around doing our health inspections we noticed that people in Southern Hills, Pearson Creek and Highland Springs, were just sitting outside in baby pools drinking beer.  That maybe ok for them to do it, but we do not want these “beating the heat” ideas to spread to the North and West side of Springfield.”
Thanks to a 3 million dollar federal stimulus grant, information will soon be available in the form of mass mailings, radio and television ads.  “This is great,” added Bosco, “Not only did the Federal government gave us money we didn’t even ask for, they threw in the actual ideas of how to stay cool.  This is truly government at its best.”

Below is a preview of what to look for in the following days:

TURN ON AIR CONDITIONING AND FANS—Apparently a lot of people were still in the “Ice storm” mode after all these years. They did not know there is a cool switch on their thermostat as well as heat. With the help of Springfield City Utilities, they will come to your house and turn it on for you.

WEAR COOL AND LIGHT COLORED CLOTHING—There are still people walking around in wool and flannel shirts and pants. Some of them are even wearing parkas and gloves. We will show them by wearing shorts, short sleeve shirts and tees they will feel instant relief. We do not want see people go overboard on this, however. The people at Party Cove at Lake of the Ozarks are not supermodels; we will keep a close eye on this one.

DRINK WATER—This is an important idea.  A recent study showed that 1 in every 4 people have peed in the pool.  With all these people sitting in the baby pools drinking beer, sooner or later they got to go.  This is where it really becomes a health issue especially with children involved.  By drinking water this may help the urge.

STAY OUT OF THE SUN—We like to get all of these baby pool’n, beer drinking people inside.  We suggest they go visit friends and neighbors or just hang out at the Battlefield Mall.

Bosco added, ”I am shocked that nobody has ever thought of this stuff before. These have got to be the best ideas ever. I mean ever!”

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