Oil-Soaked Fisherman Wash Into Ozarks

Conservationalist attempt to clean fisherman caught in oil spill

Springfield, MO — Oil-covered fisherman and oil-soaked tourism proprietors have reportedly washed into the Ozarks as a result of the Gulf Oil Disaster. The effort to save Homo sapiens affected by the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has reached the shores of Greene County as people stricken by the disaster move north to escape the inhospitable conditions of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida.

A Southern California human-rescue group is sending a team of volunteers to the Ozarks to save as many people as possible. Fort Leonard Wood Oiled Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in Missouri has already treated 203 oiled residents of the gulf.

The Red Cross has established a holding center at the Partnership Industrial Center tentatively dubbed “Tar Ball City” where oil drenched people are processed. “It’s taking 45 minutes to an hour plus to do the wash, so it’s a very stressful thing for them,” said Holly Flander. “We hydrate them, we give them intravenous hydration if needed, medication, get them some food and then, as they’re strong enough, then they go through the washing process.”

If deemed strong enough, first the humans are massaged in warm vegetable oil to break up the muddy oil from the spill.  Then the Gulf refugees are put into a sink filled with Dawn or other gentle dishwashing soap and the workers gently clean their skin and hair.  Extra care must be taken so the humans’ spirits are not damaged.  A toothbrush is used around their eyes and head.  This continues until all of the oil is washed away. Next the fisherman/tourist proprietors are dried in a “blow drying room” like the ones used at dog grooming salons.

Some experts—citing traditionally low survival rates for rescued humans—are controversially arguing it would be better to immediately and humanely kill the suffering refugees affected by the oil spill.

Jim Yilling, a local biologist said, “emotionally painful as it is, I would be for euthanizing those people if it can be shown that the probability of them being successfully rehabbed is low. Their industries that keep them alive are demolished…their habitat has been poisoned as have their bodies. What’s the point in rehabilitated fishermen who will die anyway as a result of oil exposure, due to kidney and liver damage caused by oil ingestion?”

The human apocalypse along the Gulf of Mexico coast has spread to other states as well, such as Arkansas and Tennessee. Local industry workers affected by the spill are becoming trapped by the oil and have been washing into neighboring states, coated in the sludge. The fallout from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill is increasingly affecting the Ozarks, as well as other communities across Missouri.

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