Archive for April, 2010
Hobo Fountains Open In JVP
Springfield, MO—Hobos around the country are rejoicing the opening of the Ozarks Stream and Fountain at Jordan Valley Park. Hundreds of vagabaughns are expected to take advantage of the free running water to cleanse themselves for the first time this year. “Baffs are good to have whens you gots fresh water running. The fountain is […]
Local Post Office Tests Stamps for E-mail
Nixa, MO—In the wake of the recent projected financial loss of more than 7 billion, the United States Post Office has been searching avidly for new sources of revenue or cost cutting methods, and they just might have found one: stamps for your e-mail. “We had heard that there was a way to transmit letters […]
Evangel Guards Go Beyond God’s Armor
Springfield, MO— Evangel is the first university in the Ozarks to add lethal weaponry to their arsenal of first line defenders. For years the university had relied upon pieces of God’s Armor for protection, however, now the security officers are allowed to pack man-made heat. The University first bestowed crime-fighting technology upon its protection force […]
Local Pervs Devastated by Boobquake Fail
By Snawt T. Buble Springfield, MO—Not everyone is breathing a sigh of relief now that the planet has been spared the predicted boobquake. Local authorizes have arrested three local perverts, Big Jim and the Twins and another person of interest named Chub for allegedly pitching a tent within 50’ of the entrance to Victoria’s Secret […]
Greene County Emergency Services Readies for Worldwide Boobquake Hysteria
By Snawt T. Buble Springfield, MO—Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best, Greene County Emergency Management (GCEM) personnel are taking no chances as the world readies for the possibility of an enormous boobquake. Predicted by an Iranian cleric and amateur seismologist Sedighi, boobquakes are known to happen when women show too much cleavage. […]
Petition for More Annoying Petitions Circulates
Springfield, MO—Among the recent onslaught of annoying petitioners in downtown Springfield, a new petition has begun circulation to increase the amount of petitions. Zebediah Kennard, local artist and self-proclaimed downtowner, remarked, “I’m really glad this new one came along, for a while there it seemed like all the petitions were about to dry up!” Recently […]
Tramp Stamp Radio Station Bangs the Hits
Springfield, MO—Local radio station, 104.7 The Cave has rebranded themselves as the “Tramp Stamp” radio station. Billboard across the Ozarks invite listeners to tune in to hear rock bands inked right above lovely ladies’ backsides. Common lore indicates that the bigger the tramp stamp, the bigger the classic rock band (and an increased correlation of […]
Douchebag Sign Warns Residents Of Douchebaggery
Oak Grove Heights, MO—A blinking highway sign in eastern Greene County is catching the attention of drivers. It’s not about road conditions, but a warning that douchebags are on the rise in the area. The sign reads “Sheriff’s Douchebag Alert, Please lock your doors.” It’s sparking a lot of talk, and a lot of d-bag […]
Icelandic Volcano Affects Ozarks
Springfield, MO—According to reports, Ozarkers have been severely affected by the volcanic eruption in Iceland. Several SGFers have claimed the eruption as a disruption in their daily lives. “I was a model husband until that volacano erupted, since then I’ve had three mistrissess and my infidelity sees no end,” said Robert Geohorn. “My fried chicken […]
Cauliflower Bank Opens
Springfield, MO—A new vault of sorts has opened on the south side of town, one that allows customers to stockpile vegetables of a certain variety, specifically cauliflower. The new cauliflower bank sprung up as a resource for food stockpiling and is sponsored by AGCU and features a huge stalk of cauliflower as the logo. “The […]
Nonstop Flights Hold Passengers Captive
Branson, MO—Branson Airport has added two new nonstop flights that never stop. Branson AirExpress, operated by ExpressJet Airlines, will operate the nonstop flights May 17th. The nonstop flights are a first for the airport which usually operates between destinations. Offering nonstop flights comes with unique requirements such as mid-air refueling and restocking of supplies. The […]
Tindle Mills Demolition Smells Familiar
Springfield, MO—A local dog food factory’s destruction is releasing a nasty fragrance not experienced since the operation was producing smelly dog food. Tindle Mills was known regionally for emitting a foul sulfur odor while in production, a smell now revived by the buildings’ demise. “Once we started tearing down that tower it released a gaseous […]
Sock Monkey Stinks Up Award Show
By Snawt T. Buble Springfield, MO—With noticeably heightened security, Monday evening’s nearly perfect Blogaroni award ceremony was marred when a local sock monkey, Silly Willy, staged a silent protest to call attention to the “total disregard shown all imaginary blog writers” at this year’s event. Willy, a well known downtown sock monkey and suspected blogger, […]
Bottle Rocket War in Nixa This Year!
Nixa, MO—Monday night, the Nixa Board of Alderman unanimously voted for an awesome bottle rocket war in their city. Venders are allowed to continue to sell the small sky rockets guided by the mouth of a bottle. Usually considered a unique hazard, due to their ability to fly in many different directions other than vertically, […]
Diners Scramble at Scramblers
Springfield, MO—Scramblers diners were sent scrambling after a rogue driver plowed a gas meter and electrical box. The diners were hustled out of the establishment as a precautionary measure by a manager who shouted “Scramble! Scramble! Get Out!” Scramblers at West Chestnut Expressway was packed at the time and several Customers weren’t immediately sure what […]
