Officials Claim Heer’s Building “Too Big To Fail”

Heer's "too big to fail"

Springfield, MO – In what might be viewed as a controversial move by local citizens, Springfield City Council has determined that the Heer‘s building is “too big to fail” and plans to inject cash into the project immediately and for the foreseeable future.

“What many so-called “common people” don’t seem to get is just how significant this architectural gem is to the landscape and economy of downtown Springfield” Zone 17 councilman Scott Jones is quoted as saying, “since the dawn of Springfield itself, this building has been fundamental to the growth of the Queen City. I can say with reasonable certainty that the city charter as we know it was conceived and put to paper on the third floor, right near the escalators.” When asked about the future of the skeletal hulk of a building, Jones demurred, saying that “none of us know the future, and if I did, I’d be a lot richer now, wouldn’t I?”
Although the move to prop up the failing structure has absolutely no support within the community outside of 97 local pigeons calling it “home”, Mr. Jones cited an unusual source of concern: Heer’s employees. “What about them? There’s been no bonuses for the little guy working at the lunch counter, nothing for the poor lady working in Women’s Intimates. Who’s going to speak up for them? We are. Springfield will. That’s who.”

Although there have been no employees of the Heer’s Company in over a decade, this in no way seemed to impact the passion with which Mr. Jones conveyed the sentiments of the city. “We will spend whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to ensure that the Heers Building is never in any way compromised. I think the plywood in the windows demonstrates our level of commitment to the citizens, and to the Heer’s Corporation, and most importantly, to the checkout guy in aisle three”.

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