NCAA Bracket Still Good For Something

8 tons of upset brackets have been shredded to date

Springfield, MO—According to reports, 9 out of 10 Ozarkers have a NCAA men’s basketball bracket that was rendered totally useless over the past weekend. Before scrapping the physical evidence of personal guessing stupidity, consider alternate uses for the “page of shame”.

Locals have begun to ban together to add their brackets to the recycling center. “I felt so conflicted when Northern Iowa beat KU. I mean, yeah it is great that a Missouri Valley team won, but my bracket was officially waste paper. So I decided to recycle it with these other losers,” said Norman Gibbons, of Nixa, MO.

More creative options for brackets with more X’s than checkmarks include folding it into a paper airplane and throwing it for distance amongst office workers to determine the “Champion of Real Awful Picks” or King of “C.R.A.P.”, burning the offending page in an offering to the NCAA gods, or simply making a nice paper hat.

Louis Freedman gambled a large portion of his monthly paycheck on the tournament this year and upon losing 10 of his final Sweet Sixteen teams effectively used his losing bracket to inflict enough paper cuts on his wrists to achieve death and avoid paying his debts.

Another more fulfilling option for using a blasted bracket includes rolling it into a pipe shape, them spitting projectiles at the one lady in the office who took Saint Mary’s over Villanova, Cornell over Wisconsin and Ohio over Georgetown because she liked the winning team’s jersey colors.

The City is offering up another solution: shredding it for a ticker tape parade for the Missouri State Lady Bears ensuing victory in the National Invitational Tournament.

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