Developer to De-Booger Hickory Hills for Retail Space

Hickory Hills will be de-booger-fied before retail space is available for merchants

Springfield, MO—A buyer has purchased the former Hickory Hills School and plans to turn it into retail space after a strong de-boogering effort cleans the building. Built in 1951, the structure at 3429 E. Chestnut Expressway has been exposed to nostril snot hiding for nearly sixty years.

“You never know where a wad of slimy goodness from the nose might show up in a school, believe me I should know,” said Floyd Cashman, a longtime school janitor.

Once the over-the-hill crusty snot rockets have been removed, flashy retail businesses plan to move in to set up shop. The former cafeteria will feature a food court complete with a California Pizza Kitchen, Sprinkles, and an In-N-Out Burger. CrossFit plans to open a new location utilizing the pull up bars, track and locker rooms.

One company has agreed to move offices into the space. 3M plans to move researchers across the highway into the science and chemistry rooms. “The facility came equipped with Petri dishes and Bunsen burners so most of our infill needs were already met. We’ll be glad to have the new space – once the snot buckets are removed – so close to our existing Springfield location,” said a company spokesperson.

Jones’ Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage plans to use the existing hallway lockers as storage and will store anything for the low cost of $10.99 a month.

“Since placing this property on the market in 2006, we believed it would be a prime location for retail development,” said Superintendent Norm Ridder. “We are pleased that in addition to the sale price, the school district may also benefit from future sales tax and property tax revenue.”

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