Tanning Tax Talk Tightens, Wrinkles

This woman will be severely taxed under the new proposal, up to twenty dollars per wrinkle

Springfield, MO—A looming tax may be applied to tanning salons to foot the bill for healthcare reform. Local owners are preparing for the worst by increasing tanning bed fees by 10% to cover the proposed tax, which could take effect this summer.

“I used to think that going to tan was boring, but now that the government thinks it is bad for me, I’ll be going there to fake bake while chewing tobacco, smoking a cigar and scratching off my lottery tickets,” said local bad-boy Rod Stevens as he punched a kitten.

Local tax auditor Bill Emhard said, “taxing tanning beds only confirms the popularity of the practice. All good things in life are taxed; beer, smokes, gas, firearms, ammunition, phone cards, dirty magazines. Hey if it makes you feel good, Uncle Sam wants a piece of it.”

Tanning bed owner Red Cheeks has seen tanning reservations jump since news of the new tax hit the streets. “I’ve had numerous people book several sessions for this week, some have multiple appointments in one day. Everyone wants to get their tanning in before the price hike.”

Opponents to the tax include local cosmetic surgery centers who claim that if tanning is taxed, more people will be discouraged from the practice, thus limiting their customer base. “Who’s going to come to us for wrinkle reductions?” pondered Mark E. Raser, a local physician.

Once legislation allows, one owner is looking to add a medicinal marijuana pharmacy to his tanning salon so he can bring in additional income to cover the tanning tax. He plans to rename his businesses “Get High and Fry”.

Politicians see the tanning tax issue fading once over time once people become accustomed to the fee increases. Other taxable activities proposed include walking in the sunshine, looking at the sun directly, use of a sundial, and drinking sun-cured teas.

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