Archive for February, 2010
Hopes Dashed As Local Fraternity Learns Hurling Not An Olympic Event
Springfield, MO—A Missouri State University fraternity learned today their hurling team will not be allowed to participate in the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games. Rho Rho Rho chapter chairman Biff Martindink told FCN “we have been training for a long damn time and to have a bunch of maple leaf toteing thugs pull the rug […]
Obama Beer Summit for O’Neal, Hornaday
Springfield, MO— In an attempt to calm city tensions, President Obama has invited Mayor Jim O’Neal and retiree Jim Hornaday to a beer summit held at the Springfield Brewing Company. A local debate on city spending occurred after O’Neal and Hornaday exchanged heated emails. Hornady inquired how “our new Mayor would…steam out the wrinkles” in […]
Lamar Uses Magic Beans to Form Billboard Messages
Springfield, MO—A local outdoor advertising company has engineered a breakthrough technology in billboard advertising: magic beans. Lamar Advertising Company has acquired the rights and patented the process for planting the mysterious seeds under an existing structure, which then produce an advertising message. “The outdoor advertising industry has been investigating new technologies for some time now. […]
Local Tax Dollars Continue to Head Out-of-State
Springfield, MO—Fortunately, public service leaders, such as the Springfield School District, are making the tough call to outsource much needed local project work to non-Missourians. “Ozarkers pay a lot of good money in taxes to pay for upgrades in public facilities and we’re here to protect our residents from the incapable architects in this community […]
New Downtown Club “Voodru” Opens
Springfield, MO—The Ozarks newest nightclub, Voodru, opened this past weekend amid the Mardi Gras bar crawl. The club is located in the Woodruff building in downtown Springfield at St. Louis Street and Jefferson Avenue. The Woodruff Building, originally opened February 1, 1911, has seen several businesses come and go including local lawyer offices and the […]
Branson Landing “Boom Sale” Promotion Backfires
Branson, MO—Yesterday, several Branson Landing vendors were dealt a cruel hand as they launched their newly themed “Boom Sale” to gain additional sales during the tourist off-season. “If we’d known that there was going to be some douche bag placing bombs near ATMs we would have never proceeded with the promotion,” said Branson Landing management, […]
Unknown Energy Sphere Seen Over Springfield
Springfield, MO—Local residents were alarmed yesterday by the presence of a large gaseous sphere hovering over the Ozarks’ skies yesterday. Many Springfieldians reported temporary blindness and momentary confusion while glancing at the heavens. “This is a land of gloom, clouds and semidarkness. We’re not supposed to have exposure to this kind of thing…this sunshine. We […]
ZooDoo Program Inspires YouDoo Sales
Sparta, MO—Inspired by The Dickerson Park Zoo’s ZooDoo program, Herb Langford will begin taking reservations for YouDoo — composted Homo sapiens manure — on Friday. The cost is $12 per bucket. A normal pickup truck load is between eight and ten buckets. Customers can request smaller sizes but are asked to bring their own Tupperware […]
Highland Springs Sponsors ‘Take Your Daughter Aged Wife to Work Day’
Springfield, MO—In an effort to inspire and educate the next generation of Springfieldians, Highland Springs Country Club is sponsoring a community-wide ‘Take Your Daughter Aged Wife to Work Day” on Thursday, February 25th. “We couldn’t be more excited about this upcoming day,” explains Highland Springs President Roger “Red” Anderson. “This will be a real opportunity […]
Chili Cook-off Releases Giant Fart-Plagues City
Springfield, MO—A grotesque stench filled the Ozarks after the 29th annual Sertoma Club’s chili cook-off propelled a great brown cloud of turd-flavored air into the atmosphere. The Springfield Expo Center was exposed to the most foul and most expected form of gaseous discharge as dozens of local vendors gathered together to prepare gastro-igniting chili dishes […]
Interview with the Joker
The Joker has signed on as Spooksfield.com corporate sponsor to promote the new book 2012:The Paranormal Cookbook set to release today at “The Best of the Ozarks” store on Chestnut Expressway. He agreed to a quick answer/question session preceding the release. FCN: What elements of the book attracted you to become the official sponsor for […]
Counterfeit $22 Bills Passed Around Springfield
SPRINGFIELD, MO—The Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind continues to wreak havoc on the Ozarks local economy. Springfield police have confirmed multiple cases of counterfeit cash being passed in the Ozarks already in 2010. Detectives claim they’ve made several arrests but Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind is still at large. According to police sketches, the Duece-Duece counterfeiter is a bald […]
Boomer Bear Totally Whacked Dude With T-Shirt
Springfield, MO—A local Bears fan was totally whacked in the face with a t-shirt propelled by Missouri State University athletic mascot Boomer Bear during the MSU vs. Southern Illinois University game last night. Witnesses said the incident was quite amusing as the fan turned his head right into the whirling wrapped wardrobe shot from a […]
2012, Hobos Delay Heer’s Tower Development
Springfield, MO—The Heer’s Tower was dealt another setback this week as developer Kevin McGowan failed to meet a critical deadline risking the possibility that development of the historic building will not occur before the end of the world in 2012. After several deadline extensions, McGowan’s company, Blue Urban, failed to meet another chance for an […]
