Recession Ends: Jobless To Quit Eating Stray Cats

Man excited that recession is over; stray cats overjoyed

Springfield, MO—The un- and underemployed rejoiced today as the St. Louis Federal Reserve Bank decided that the recession ended in mid-2009. Positive reactions were recorded all over the nation, especially those unemployed in the Missouri Ozarks.

“Whew, I’m glad that was over, I’m ready for my bailout money,” said Higgins “cat-eater” Roland, a local out-of-work marketer, who has been spending time eating stray cats along the railroad tracks north of Commercial street in order to survive.

According to data compiled by two staff economists at the St. Louis Fed, the “recession ended in July of 2009”.

“I was laid off in July of 2009 so I guess I can go back and get my job back now since the recession is over. Man, I wish I hadn’t punched my boss in the ear after I was let go. I’m sure they’ll understand and let me back in, no questions asked since they let me go before the recession ended, right?” said Dawn Kyte, a former bookkeeper at a local firm.

A former mid manager, Ryan Trunk, said, “I’m going to miss the camaraderie of our group, ‘The Recessed’. We would have great times trolling through garbage dumpsters finding inedible items to digest for basic nourishment. But, as they say, all good things must end.”

Local businesses are pleased to hear the news and are considering what steps the government will take to ensure that their losses from July 2009 forward will be replenished. “I’m glad that the recession has ended. Now I just need all of my previous work to come back. What’s the ETA on that, eh stat boys?” questioned one local business man.

The National Bureau of Economic Research has made no official declaration, however, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, said, “Okay recess is over people, time to get back to work.”

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