Archive for January, 2010
Crippling Winter Storm Placed on Cancellation List
Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers awoke to a disappointing morning of little snowfall accumulation this morning. According to news reports this area was expecting 8-12 inches of snow prompting school, business and social cancellations. “I was planning to take off from work, read a book and watch a few movies, but now thanks to Mother Nature […]
KY3 to Sell StormTracker 1, 2
Springfield, MO—Officials at KY3 have announced plans to auction off old weather forecasting equipment given the proven reliance of StormTracker3. StormTracker1 & StormTracker2 will be listed at a public auction this weekend. All proceeds will go toward the the purchase of future needs and an anticipated StormTracker4. During a dramatic camera pan Chief Meteorologist Ron […]
Wednesday Weather Chart = Trippy Forecast
Springfield, MO—A local newsman blew several viewers minds by showing a radar screen filled with psychedelic images symbolizing Wednesday’s weather patterns. Cries of “whoa”, “maaaaan” and “dude” were heard in living rooms across the Ozarks. One viewer, Moonbeam Johnston said, “I saw like a beautiful unicorn soar across the sky during the weather report and […]
Ribbon Cutting Turns Ugly at New School
Springfield, MO—A planned celebration took a turn for the worse today as several children’s hair bows were snipped during the Hickory Hills ribbon cutting ceremony. The planned activities called for school district leaders to cut a gigantic blue ribbon to celebrate the LEED certified educational facility, unfortunately, several children were chased by parents and teachers […]
Church Traffic Is Parking Lot Purgatory
Springfield, MO —After a wonderful church service preaching harmony and brotherhood, First & Harmony United Church members were hell bent on getting out of the parking lot. Cutting off Deacon Grover, Rebecca Shroud – the Children’s Music Minister – stealthily avoided a collision and exited onto Cherry Street, freed to meet her friends at lunch […]
O’Neal’s Springfield Cage Match To Raise City Funds
Springfield, MO—In light of the recent economic downturn that the entire nation is enduring, Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal has come up with a unique way to boost both the morale and coffers of the Queen City. In a bold and unprecedented departure from “politics as usual” Mayor O’Neal has publicly called out the mayors of […]
Local Startup Draws Infinite Growth
Joplin, MO- Fresh off their first trade show in Dallas this past weekend, local start-up Wearable Art experienced record tying infinite growth over the previous month, most likely fueling the 115 point rally on Wall Street. “The exciting dynamic with start-ups is the tremendous growth. GE or Wal-Mart can’t touch the infinite growth rate,” explains […]
January Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys. Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt Dose: Super P wholesale sildenafil Force is just powerful when joined with sexual incitement. It is on the top most priority becomes soft cialis mastercard getting rid of impotence. Whenever the balance […]
Recession Ends: Jobless To Quit Eating Stray Cats
Springfield, MO—The un- and underemployed rejoiced today as the St. Louis Federal Reserve Bank decided that the recession ended in mid-2009. Positive reactions were recorded all over the nation, especially those unemployed in the Missouri Ozarks. “Whew, I’m glad that was over, I’m ready for my bailout money,” said Higgins “cat-eater” Roland, a local out-of-work […]
MLK Celebrated with 24-Hour Sale!
Springfield, MO—January 18th marks a day of social awareness, great sacrifice and fantastic deals now through closing at local retail stores. On this day people of all ages and backgrounds will come together to improve lives by spending less on goods they likely don’t need but would purchase at full retail prices any other time […]
Tournament of Champions Produces 7 Losers
Springfield, MO—Moral victories will be handed out this weekend at The Tournament of Champions as eight elite basketball teams battle it out to produce seven eventual short comers and one true champion. TOC execs confessed that “Tournament of Champions” tends to have a more positive spin and sells more tickets than the more accurate named […]
Mystery Hour Replaces Tonight Show on KY3
Springfield, MO—Citing a need to improve ratings for local late-night news, KY3 has announced that The Mystery Hour will replace The Tonight Show following the Winter Olympics. Sources say the “Leno effect” played havoc with many of NBC‘s more than 200 affiliates, where Leno’s weaker “lead-in” is undermining audiences of 10 p.m. newscasts. News programs […]
Emoticons Break Harsh Reality of Fortune Cookie Messages
Ozark, MO—A local Chinese restaurant is using emoticons to break unfortunate fortune cookie messages to customers. Several diners at the River Dragon on Highway 14 in Ozark were introduced to the new after dinner traditional snack and had mixed emotions. “’:) You make a bad day worse :)’ was my awful message when I cracked […]
Couple Sneaks Extra Breadsticks into Doggie Bag at Olive Garden
Springfield, MO—A discreet couple smoothly inserted three leftover breadsticks into their Styrofoam take home box Monday evening without raising suspicions among Olive Garden wait staff at Glenstone and Erie streets in the Queen City. Doris and Henry Norton enjoyed a lavish feast of chicken scampi and chicken Alfredo respectively and just received their boxed leftovers […]
