Sonic Releases “Meth Menu” In Missouri

Cranster about to sooth her meth mouth with an Old Fashioned Meth Float from Sonic's Meth Menu.

Cape Girardeau, MO—Seeking to steal share from the QSR burger industry, a Sonic restaurant employee developed a stimulating and illegal menu of methamphetamine infused menu items. The new Meth Menu debut was halted by police who were called to the store in Missouri in the wee hours on Thursday morning.

The shift manager, 22-year-old Dennis Bratcher, arrested for developing the psyhcostimulant burgers, shakes and sides hoped to create craveable snacks and meals that triggered a cascading release of dopamine and norepinephrine. The insatiable craving for Meth Menu items was believed to be a fool-proof way to increase traffic, and same-store sales.

In eloquent fashion Brachter pleaded his case by saying, “we aign’t got shat ta do ‘round here ‘cept flame up some buzzard dust and drink KooLAID. Might as well be droppin’ some bugger sugar in the brown bag special, right?”

Meth Menu items slated for distribution to meth heads included the Chicken Club Tubby Toaster, Bache Rock Double Burger, Crack Whore Foot-long Coney and the SuperSonic Meth Combo. To satiate the needs of consumers with Meth Mouth, Crank Chillers and the Old Fashioned Meth Float were to be sold with a collectible tooter.

One speed freak, known only as Krista, said, “I was tweekin’ for some chili-cheese twack tots from Sonic, guess I’ll have to make my own to sooth my crank caters now.”

When reached for comment Sonic officials said, “we can’t believe this is happening. We’re pulling out of the Show-Me state effective immediately before further damage is done to our reputation by these cranksters.”

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