Archive for November, 2009
Local High School Student Thinks Sarah Palin is “way cool.”
by Staciey Johnson On Wednesday, Sarah Palin is coming to town and I think that is, like, way cool. I mean, there is totally nothing to do in this town and it is so freaking boring! Like, since minors can’t get into freaking anywhere downtown, this is the only exciting thing a teen can go […]
St. John’s Black Friday Sale Discounts Healthcare
Springfield, MO—Early morning Black Friday shoppers lined up to receive up to discounted medical care last week at St. John’s Hospital. Hundreds of shoppers braved the weather camping out all night waiting for the special healthcare deals to kick in at 5 am. “People started lining up at 8 pm the night before, staking their […]
Cashew Turkey Unveiled For Thanksgiving
Springfield, MO—This Thanksgiving several restaurants in the Ozarks will feature a new holiday treat, cashew turkey. This offering consists of a simple Chinese-American dish that combines breaded deep-fried turkey, cashews, and a thick gravy sauce. Side options include a cranberry dipping sauce or mashed potatoes. Several leading chefs, from bygone restaurants such as Leong’s Tea […]
Predator World Adds the “Predator”
Branson West, MO—Predator World owners plan to reopen the facility with one new attraction in January. The new attraction will feature an unknown extraterrestrial species, referred only to as the Predator. “What we do know is that the new attraction is a large, sapient and sentient humanoid creature who may or may not possess advanced […]
City of Springfield Lights Tree, Makes Wish List
Springfield, MO—Saturday night the City of Springfield gathered her closest friends, circled around the ol’ Christmas tree and lit her ablaze officially welcoming in the holiday season. Several dignitaries attended and scribbled their individual Santa Claus requests upon a scroll located at a large table. Mayor Jim O’Neal said all he wanted for Christmas was […]
OM_! Skepticon is This Weekend!
Springfield, MO— Local atheists are considering coming together for an annual gathering but are not sure to trust in what the flyers and event announcements have been propagating. If enough people believe that the event will actually take place, it could be the largest gathering of atheists in the Midwest right here in Springfield. The […]
Railroad Claims Diesel Spring Natural Miracle
Springfield, MO—Recent event have forced a spotlight on the amazing diesel spring located on property owned by a local railroad company. Springfield officials are claiming that the DNR or EPA should investigate further, as the City doesn’t wish to accept responsibility for the contamination that runs into the Jordan River that deposits into Table Rock […]
Dr. Brad Bradshaw Adds “Ninja” To Ever Expanding Title
Springfield, MO—Dr. Brad Bradshaw can now claim to be a licensed physician, surgeon, lawyer and ninja. Dr. Bradshaw graduated from medical school, possesses surgical training, specialized training in Internal Medicine and Psychiatry and has received certification in Clinical Obstetrics from Harvard Medical School. However, his newest accolade bestows legendary abilities including invisibility, walking on water, […]
SNL Honors FCN
Springfield, MO—Saturday Night Live recently honored Fair City News by bringing “Catch the Swine Fever” to life in a sketch that aired nationwide on NBC November 7, 2009. The original FCN story posted April 28, 2009 and was picked up by SNL writers who comb the Internet’s best satire websites searching for material. On Monday, […]
Greenskeeper Wanted on Drug Charges
Springfield, MO—Carl Spackler, former greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Club is wanted in Greene County on a charge of possession of a controlled substance. He also has a misdemeanor warrant. Spackler, 44, is white, 6-foot-4, and 220 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes. Spackler may have short-cut hair, rather than the style shown in this […]
Loud Bang Caused By CU “Bang” Machine
Springfield, MO—A loud bang near Weaver and Golden was caused by City Utilities’ new “bang” machine. City Utilities maintains that the machine is operating properly and is in no way malfunctioning. “We purchased a 100 million dollar bang machine because our customers need to hear a spectacular noise from time to time. Who else is […]
Springfield WolfPack Pick Up Larry Johnson
Springfield, MO—Team officials announced that the Springfield WolfPack will be picking up former Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson Jr. for the upcoming indoor football season. Head coach Mike Burris said, “we’re taking it one game at a time, LJ gives us a great chance to compete week in and week out.” Johnson was […]
Truckin’ N’ Tokin’ Transcript Released
Springfield, MO—A Missouri Highway Patrol trooper noticed an illegal license plate on a semi on Interstate 44 just east of Springfield this morning. When he pulled the rig over, the two drivers inside became rather animated as they were stiggity staggety stoned, troopers say. Recovered were 1,350 pounds of pot, packaged in 55 large bundles, […]
Redbox Rentals Suck Life for $1.00
Springfield, MO—Located at area McDonald’s, groceries and other heavily trafficked areas, Redbox vending machines are magnets for long lines of indecisive cretins. “I was in line for 10 minutes to get one movie! Just let me in and I can get my video and get out,” said Springfield native Joey Harbong. When presented with a […]
Springfield Road Work Everywhere
Springfield, MO—Roadwork across the Ozarks has caused delays at every turn as money is poured into highways, interchanges, traffic signals, lane widening, resurfacing, and pavement sealing. Currently route 60/65 is undergoing replacement of bridges, construction of new bridges and two “flyover” ramps. I-44/Glenstone Avenue is undergoing bridge replacement, ramps rebuilding, and insertion of added traffic […]
