Man at Fair Deep Fried, Eaten

Springfield, MO—Jeffery Green, a local accountant, met with tragedy yesterday at the Ozark Empire Fair when he was accidently battered, fried, and quickly devoured by local fair attendees. The feeding frenzy was so quick no one was identified or charged. The fair apologized to Green’s family and offered them a stuffed gorilla and a White Snake poster, both usually reserved for winners of the ring toss game.

The incident started when a careless carnival worker, distracted by his own tattoos, dumped a bag of batter on Green. Shortly after Green was knocked into a deep fryer by an unnamed assailant. Although the thick batter protected Green’s body from the boiling grease, it did not protect him from other fair attendees. The delicious smell of fried battered was too much for many to handle. They swarmed Green in a matter of seconds.

“It was awful”, said Amy Grand. “One moment he was trying to find a way to break out the batter-shell, the next moment they rushed him like crazy zombies.”

The mob mentality took hold so quickly that Green never had a chance. When the mob dispersed all that was left was half of Green’s skeleton and his glasses.

“I had fried twinkes, fried oroes, and funnel cake. For some reason I needed to eat fried man-flesh,” said an un-named sourced.

The funnel cake stand, where the incident took place, was closed for two hours for the skeleton clean up.

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