Archive for August, 2009
New Teen Texting & Driving Ban Texted to Teens
Springfield, MO—Last Friday, Governor Jay Nixon sent 6,000 text messages to Springfield teens announcing the new ban in place barring teens from texting while driving. His message simply stated, “NEW BAN 4 TEENS HOO TEXT AN DRIV. DOAN BE DISTRACTD OR IMPAIRD WHILE OPERATIN UR VEHICLE. CALL ME LATR. GOV. NIXON.” State officials said the […]
Idiot Drivers Sport NASCAR Stickers
Springfield, MO—According to recent driving patterns, Ozarks drivers are seemingly permitted to drive like lunatics once they have prominently placed on their vehicle one of many NASCAR stickers featuring their favorite driver. Area drivers should heed the NASCAR sticker as a warning when traveling public thoroughfares. “I could see a vehicle approaching me at a […]
MSU Receives Geek Grant for $248,000 Microscope
Springfield, MO—Biology, physics and chemistry geeks at Missouri State University “flipped their collective shiz-nit” upon learning they received a grant from the National Science Foundation to pay for a $248,350 microscope. Purchase of a state-of-the-art confocal microscopy system will occur during the fall semester. Upon hearing the news, MSU President Michael T. Nietzel said, “we […]
NorthStar Battery Recharges Local Employment Rates
Springfield, MO—NorthStar Battery intends to hire up to 500 people over the next few years for the new plant it has built in northwest Springfield. Company, city and civic officials celebrated the completion of the new plant by licking both the male and female connections of nine-volt batteries. “Zzzz-ow!” cried one official after feeling the […]
Hobby Lobby Robbery: A Crime in Rhyme
Springfield, MO—Police have issued the following prose in order to catch the thief that Hobby Lobby does oppose. According to police, the Hobby Lobby on Kearney Street was blindsided by a woman, a cheat. She was spotted emptying her purse in the trunk of her car, then entered the store—step one for the burglar. After […]
Wonders of Wildlife Spook-quarium and Costume Shop Opens
Springfield, MO—This Fall a traveling costume shop will occupy the American National Fish and Wildlife Museum providing costumes to Halloween participants and converting part of the museum to a haunted house attraction, or “Spook-quarium”. In order to pay down the $52 million bond used to build the facility, officials at Wonders of Wildlife Museum and […]
Drive-Thru Medicine Now On Value Menu
Branson, MO—Skaggs Regional Medical Center in Branson has scheduled drive-through flu shot clinics beginning Sept. 26. Those seeking medical attention need only drive their car through the medicinal markers, place their order via the two-way speaker and proceed to the first window to pay, then to the second window to receive treatment. “It was really […]
Premonition Turns Into Really, Really Bad Idea
Springfield, MO—In a unfortunate moment of recognition John Yettaw, the Falcon Freestyler, came to realize that his otherworldly premonition was actually a really, really bad idea. The thought came to him after he landed at Springfield-Branson National Airport, starting the final leg of his return home on Wednesday. “If I had it to do all […]
Car Dealer Gets Special 0% APR Government Loan
Springfield, MO—The Missouri Small Business Loan Program has pre-qualified Patterson Auto Group to receive a LOW! LOW! No-interest! NO payments until 2012, Special 0% interest rate, APR for 70 months, pre-owned 2009 loan of $25,000.00*. Owner Darin Patterson said all he needed to do was to push, pull or drag in his old loan in […]
Economy Gives the “Q” New Events
Springfield, MO— The “Q” arena will be hosting job fairs, breadlines and unemployment registrations in August and September of this year to fill the entertainment void at the facility. The new $67 million cathedral capable of attracting thousands of people isn’t getting the entertainment events like developers first anticipated so the state is stepping in […]
Crosslines Offers Mohawks for Middle Schoolers
Springfield, MO—The back-to-school event, “Mohawks for Middle Schoolers”, kicks into its 11th annual celebration today. Greene County children who will or currently attend a middle school are eligible to receive the hairstyle. Several dozen stylists will contribute their time and services to provide the mainstream fashion hairstyle free of charge. “The Mohawk is often dyed […]
McCaskill To Be Burned At The Stake
Springfield MO- Claire McCaskill, a Democratic senator representing Missouri, is set to be burned at the stake in her next scheduled town hall meeting. The town hall meeting will be held at Missouri State University in Strong Hall room 100 and all are welcomed to attend. After initial questioning, mostly focusing on President Obama‘s health […]
Original Spring Field Lost, Not Located
Springfield, MO—The spring that fed the field that Springfield was named after hasn’t been seen in several decades. In fact, most area town names now only have a vague symbolic relationship to the geographic area that once featured prominent landmarks. Springfield History Museum Executive Director said, “there’s no ‘spring’ or ‘field’ in Springfield much like […]
10,000 Cigarettes Reward Offered
Marshfield, MO—A reward of free smokes is now offered for help solving an arson fire at an area tobacco shop. The business was set afire last month and so far officials are baffled as to the arsonist, however, a motive has been identified. A note was left at the scene that read “Fire-crotch butt smoke”. […]
Missourians Enjoy Tax Holiday
Springfield, MO—Missourians enjoyed a weekend without sales tax or self-control thanks to the Missouri tax holiday. Malls, shopping center, and retail stores were transformed from a peaceful shopping environments to a chaotic rampage that made the last chapter of Lord of the Flies look like the last chapter of Pride and Prejudice. The masses, drunk […]
