Archive for July, 2009
Misfit Fraternity Surprisingly Not On Valued Land
Springfield MO-Lamba Alpha Mu, a fraternity of losers and misfits brought together by the shunning of their peers, found out yesterday that the land under their house, affectingly called “The Heap” was totally useless yesterday. This was a huge surprise to Brett Masterson the president of the most popular and powerful fraternity on campus: Alpha […]
Lazers focused on Kournikova’s Wrist Action
Springfield, MO—The Springfield Lasers have forced the hand of Anna Kournikova (Анна Ку́рникова) as she has agreed to add a pre-match autograph session for all ages during Friday’s World Team Tennis match at Cooper Tennis Complex at an undisclosed location. Lasers spokesman Bob Nelson confirmed team officials couldn’t say when or where the session would […]
Escaped Inmates Caught In Branson Attractions
Branson, MO—Four inmates who escaped from Oklahoma on Thursday were caught Friday in Branson. Because, if you ever escape from prison you should go directly to Branson, MO where dreams come true. The men were caught in pairs at different times of the day in various tourist attractions. Two were stopped on West Missouri 76 […]
Gator Added To Ozarks’ Monster List
Harrison, AR—MonsterQuest plans to investigate an alligator sighting in the Ozarks’ Lake Harrison. Ever since word spread of the alligator sightings in the lake and a nearby creek, locals have been on the lookout for the elusive creature. “Yeah, I think I’d rather deal with Paul the Nixa Hellhound than an alligator monster in our […]
MJ’s Memorial Ceremony For Springfield Man a Thriller
Springfield, MO—Tom Garrett, a man from Springfield, is one of a million fans who registered to attend Michael Jackson‘s animatronics stunt double’s memorial ceremony in Los Angeles and won tickets to attend the event. In a stunning announcement, Jermaine Jackson, in an interview with Today Show host Matt Lauer, revealed that Jackson faked his death […]
Crowds Love Trashing I Love America
Springfield, MO—After the final sparkle, crews exploded onto the grounds of the area’s largest Fourth of July celebration. Volunteers worked for hours to clean up the mess left behind at the I Love America Festival. It took the crew of about a hundred 14 hours to finish the clean up at Springfield Underground. “I love […]
Hammons Tower Again Voted Springfield’s Tallest Building
The results of the annual “Best of 417” poll are in, and once again, residents have voted Hammons Tower the area’s tallest building. The 270-foot structure, which dwarfs the other greenhouses and barns nearby, won easily in its category. Tower namesake John Q. Hammons could not be reached for comment and is not expected to […]
Dude Freaks Out Neighbors with Firework Obsession
Greene County, MO—Blowing up bits of China one cracker at a time is Randy Closter’s favorite American pastime. He savors this time of the year like no other and keeps plenty of M80s on hand during the celebration season. This time of the year is held special by many people, however, Closter has a special […]
Land Grab at Battlefield Fireworks Celebration
Springfield, MO—Local Springfield and Nixa residents plan to attend the Battlefield, Missouri’s firework celebration this year completely crashing the party. Springfield’s Firefall, the annual firework celebration, was cancelled after the City cut its contribution to the Springfield-Greene County Parks Department because of a decline in sales tax revenue. Now, Nixa also won’t have its annual […]