Crowds Love Trashing I Love America

Springfield, MO—After the final sparkle, crews exploded onto the grounds of the area’s largest Fourth of July celebration. Volunteers worked for hours to clean up the mess left behind at the I Love America Festival. It took the crew of about a hundred 14 hours to finish the clean up at Springfield Underground.

“I love coming to this festival because I don’t have to pick up after myself,” said Glen Yockum, local environmentalist, as he slung an empty soda can in the air and kicked it toward a group of elderly gathered for the event.

“In America we are afforded certain rights, such as the right to litter. God gives us the ability to make decisions for ourselves and I choose to act like a pig,” said observer Rachel Thwart, who rubbed Snicker’s candy bar wrappers on her stomach then tossed them to the cigarette butt covered grass lawn next to her folding chair.

Fireworks pollution also littered the ground, contaminating water supplies, and rained down chemicals and heavy metals onto the patriotic masses, contributing to a wide range of potentially serious health problems.

“The Perchlorate—which can interfere with thyroid function and metabolism, and may be detrimental to mental development in fetuses and young children is one of the chemicals produced by the rockets’ red glare—was totally awesome this year,” said third grader Bobby Uber who dreams of becoming a chemist one day. If he can survive the onslaught of chemicals absorbed by his body that is.

“If I didn’t litter, then these people who pick up after me wouldn’t have a job,” said Thomas Figgerty, “every society has a pecking order and well, I’m doing my part to kick start the economy,” he continued as he defecated into a Gatorade bottle and tossed it towards the giant God.TV screen broadcasting the event across the globe.

Jikot Umbaga, of East Africa watched the event, broadcast in his country, with horror and disgust.

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