Dude Freaks Out Neighbors with Firework Obsession

Greene County, MO—Blowing up bits of China one cracker at a time is Randy Closter’s favorite American pastime. He savors this time of the year like no other and keeps plenty of M80s on hand during the celebration season. This time of the year is held special by many people, however, Closter has a special place in his heart for the Fourth of July.

“Crazy Randy Closter once lit my whole bag of ‘works up during a bottle rocket fight,” complained 12 year old Jimmy Wegert. “That old fart shouldn’t be allowed to use a lighter much less be near fireworks. Crap here he comes!”

Neighbors may complain about the incessant rounds of exploding Black Cats but to Closter, he merely hears these jeers as accolades. “People appreciate my patriotism,” says Closter.

“What a bunch of crap” said kitty-corner neighbor Joan Jimmyson, “last year I saw Closter shoot a bottle rocket out of his keister! That’s a felony in my mind’s eye. Well it didn’t shoot out, it just flamed, stuck in there, then exploded. I did enjoy that.”

Closter’s favorite act of American celebration is torching up eight sparklers, holding them in his knuckles and river dancing to U2’s Where The Streets Have No Name. When notified that those special icons have more meaning to Ireland than America, Closter shrugs and says, “if its not Scottish, its crap”. Then lights up a punk and seeks a lunar firework cluster to ignite.

As a closing act of respect Closter combined forty-eight pounds of black snakes into one dark circle. After reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, he uses a blowtorch to light the four foot wide snake monster and it rises into the night’s sky like a black flag of freedom.

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