Archive for July, 2009
No Fear for Fare at Fair
Springfield, MO—Carnies and foodies will unite this weekend at the Ozark Empire Fair after safety inspections clear the way for vendors and their fare. Local fair food enthusiast Gumby Fritzle has volunteered to walk the fair grounds sampling foods throughout the event, and will be dubbed the Public Snacking Officer. Says Fritzle, “I did this […]
Local Conservative Can’t Believe He Has Twitter Writer’s Block on Beer Summit
Ozark, MO—On Tuesday afternoon, President Obama, Henry Gates, and the police officer who arrested Mr. Gates sat down at the White House for the so called “Beer Summit.” The event, which was intended to help quell tensions over the arrest and alleged racial prejudices, also created a massive spike in conservative blog and Twitter postings. […]
Rollergirl’s Splash N’ Bash Fundraiser Turns Violent, Which is Cool
Springfield, MO—This coming weekend Springfield Rollergirls will host the annual Splash N’ Bash event on Saturday Aug 15th at 7pm. The Splash N’ Bash is a fundraising event where local automobile drivers can donate money and have their car washed by real Rollergirls. Drivers can also donate money and have a Rollergirl beat them into […]
Massive Layoffs Exhaust Local Agency Execs
Springfield, MO—After a long day of layoffs, local advertising agency executives find that relaxing with a nice bottle of 1870 Blandy’s Verdelho Solera Madeira is the best way to relieve the stress of swinging the pink slip ax. “I had to cry for, like, all day,” said one executive. “Fortunately, this really expensive wine I’m […]
SPRINGFIELD CELEBRATES 5,000TH STOPLIGHT
The City of Springfield installed its’ 5,000th stoplight, which became operational yesterday morning. The new stoplight is located at the intersection of South Chambery Avenue and Michelle Place in southeast Springfield, in a quiet subdivision just north of East Battlefield Road. Springfield city leaders opted to celebrate the milestone by passing out gold-plated stoplights mounted […]
Sam’s Club Fans Camp Out Before Opening
Springfield, MO—Opening weekend for the latest “Sam’s Club” sequel has become the Ozarks’ biggest ever grocery box office smash by earning $79 million, a publicist for the grocery chain said today. Nearly two weeks before the opening of the membership-only retail warehouse clubs, campers armed with tents, couches and video games turned the pavement at […]
Mildly Satisfying Home Makeover Edition Location Announced
Springfield, MO—Following the enormous success of ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition in Ash Grove, er Bois D’Arc this past week, the announcement has been made that Mildly Satisfying: Home Makeover Edition will be coming to the Ozarks. One local family will be featured on the less than popular Mildly Satisfying: Home Makeover Edition series when […]
Residents Urged Not to Handle Fire, etc.
Strafford, MO—Health officials are warning people not to handle fire, broken glass, hazardous material, dirty needles, poison or unknown chemicals after “pretty dancing lights” burned two Strafford area residents when they tried to grasp the illumination, otherwise known as “flames from a fire” last week. The Springfield-Greene County Health Department would like to remind area […]
Kitty Littered Lawn Not City’s Problem
Springfield, MO—A nice summer’s day turned ugly for one homeowner after a city street sweeper flung a cat’s deceased body onto her lawn. Apparently, the City of Springfield refused to remove the road kill deposited upon the sod as the decomposing mass did not meet the selection criteria for removal by the street cleaning scout […]
Couple Asked to Light Heads on Fire After Transporting Teens in Trunk
Lebanon, MO—Two people from Lebanon have been asked to light their heads on fire after police say they tried to drive home with three kids stuffed in a car trunk. Investigators say Cindy Feltner, 21, and Dustin McDonald, 18, were dumb enough to make a terrible mistake once, so they are likely to do it […]
Thankfully, Business and Tourism Protected at Lake of the Ozarks
OSAGE BEACH, MO—A state agency acknowledges it withheld a report for four weeks that showed the Lake of the Ozarks had E. coli above safe levels. Fortunately, The Missouri Department of Natural Resources withheld the report around Memorial Day due to concern that the release would hurt tourism and businesses around the lake. “Thankfully, the […]
Casualties Mounting at Local Sam’s Club
Springfield, MO- What many expect to be a pleasant Saturday morning shopping adventure at Springfield’s Sam’s Club has turned into a violent power struggle. As of July 16, 2009, over 20 people have been taken to area hospitals as a result of shopping car incidents at Sam’s Club. “I see them (Sam’s Club) lowering prices […]
Suspect Confuses Life with Grand Theft Auto Series
Stone County, MO—An attempted home invasion ended in a high speed chase, the chase of a detective’s car and a video game simulation. Deputies responded to a home on Highway 248, to check a report of a home invasion. They arrested a suspect and placed that character in the front seat of a detective’s automobile, […]
Sobbing Prevents EHME Project Completion
Ash Grove, MO—Elation, joy and lip-quivering rejoicing overcame the entire workforce assembled to house a very deserving family this week, delaying the project completion for the first time ever on ABC‘s popular “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.” “All of the workers, all the volunteers, absolutely everyone assembled started listening to Ty Pennington speak and once he […]
Bass Pro Shops Enlists Uncle Buck and Calendar Girls as Driver and Crew
Springfield, MO—In a deal announced last week, Martin Truex Jr.’s move to the Michael Waltrip Racing team means the NASCAR driver is donning Napa Auto Parts’ name instead of Bass Pro Shops. BPS has announced that they will employ longtime brand ambassador Uncle Buck to race and his team of aging calendar girls to work […]
