MSU Student Welcome ‘Package’ Features Condom

Springfield, MO—A controversial welcome ‘package’ was sent to thousands of potential Missouri State University students recently. The student mailer included condoms and an ad for a sexually erotic store. Parents are outraged.

The packet included condoms from Planned Parenthood and a $15 coupon for the erotic Adam & Eve store. It was sent to an estimated 4,000 prospective area students. MSU’s name is plastered all over the materials but the school says it had nothing to do with it.

Local parent Julie Yernov said, “why didn’t they include the limited print edition of the Kama Sutra as well for these potential students? First Kum n’ Go enters the community then this mailer is sent… our youth are learning that it is okay to be promiscuous as a dirty sailor going from port to port.”

Enrollment is up as students—thrilled at the sex education they might receive at the institution—are pouring in to take advantage of the college life. Many students are fondly referring to the school as Missouri Sex University and MO Sex U with their friends.

“I had no idea that sex was even available at this university until I got the package,” said prospective student Huey Hankey. “Since the economy is struggling so badly right now, I’ve been considering returning to school for my masters. This mailer encouraged me to get it on,” confessed Gerry Tibbers, an out of work engineer.

Student Welcome Pack, the company responsible for the mailer, said “everybody experiments in college, we want to make those memories happen for every student.” The company plans to send multiple mailers in the near future that include fortune cookies that feature vaguely implied sexual messages when followed with the phrase “in bed” as well as bottles sent for students to spin. In the fall a mailer will be sent, unbeknownst to Drury University, to its potential students encouraging higher education and provide rolling papers and cannabis seeds with the headline: Are You Experienced? Negotiations are still in place regarding a Baptist Bible College mailer tentatively titled “Dance Like the Devil” with dance steps printed inside a fold out mat.

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