John Q. Hammons Changes Name To Unpronounceable Symbol

Springfield–In a move that’s destined to have major ramifications for area hotels, convention centers, baseball stadiums, basketball arenas, office buildings, medical facilities, thoroughfares, residence halls, architectural fountains, and statues, local business magnate John Q. Hammons has announced that he is changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol: ℑ.

“I read about this kinda thing a few years back, and I thought it might make me feel young again,” said the erstwhile Mr. Hammons at a Friday morning press conference in Springfield.

Merle Atkinson, who serves as VP of Facility Operations for ℑ, was exasperated by the news. “I’m stunned quite frankly,” he said, “but we’ll do what Mr. Hammons wants us to do.” Atkinson quickly corrected himself by saying, “I mean, we’ll do what Mr. Symbol wants us to do. Or…whatever.”

The announcement also set local broadcast media outlets into scramble mode, as each began to brainstorm new monikers for the 90-year-old hotelier. So far, the leading candidates are believed to be “The Philanthropist Formerly Known As John Q. Hammons,” “TPFKAJQH,” or simply, “The Philanthropist.”

“I vote for ‘The Philanthropist’,” said Art Haines, radio voice of the Missouri State Bears. “But I’ve been practicing saying, ‘Good evening ladies and gentlemen from TPFKAJQH Arena,’ just in case.

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