Archive for June, 2009
Two Trains Equation Solved In Sleeper, MO
Sleeper, MO—Two trains collided on the main BNSF line between Springfield and St. Louis last Monday morning answering the 7th grade algebra question: Where will two trains meet if train A leaves Springfield traveling at 35 mph and train B leaves St. Louis traveling at 45 mph? In Sleeper, Missouri just north of Lebanon. Three […]
MSU Student Welcome ‘Package’ Features Condom
Springfield, MO—A controversial welcome ‘package’ was sent to thousands of potential Missouri State University students recently. The student mailer included condoms and an ad for a sexually erotic store. Parents are outraged. The packet included condoms from Planned Parenthood and a $15 coupon for the erotic Adam & Eve store. It was sent to an […]
Tabuchi’s Toilets Take the Urinal Cake
Branson, MO—It’s a contest to promote cleanliness in public restrooms, but the Shoji Tabuchi luxurious bathrooms feature amenities that would make Bacchus—Greek god of excess—blush. “The restrooms themselves are a showcase themselves,” said the theater’s Assistant Executive Assistant to the Executive Producer’s Assistant, John’da Leeky confusing herself. “Everytime I walk in there it’s (gasp) this […]
Table Rock Sauna
Branson, MO- What started as a very typical summer with a rainy Memorial Day Weekend has turned into a very atypical June with record temperatures. An unpleasant byproduct of this weather is the already extreme temperature of lake water at Table Rock Lake. Soaring over 90 degrees, local residents and lake goers are reacting to […]
Empire Adopted Highway Renamed for Rebel Alliance Leader Admiral Ackbar
Springfield, MO—It started in October with a crude but effective public relations move by members of the dark side, officially called the Springfield Unit of the Galactic Empire. Exercising their First Amendment rights, they succeeded in getting MoDOT to let them erect a sign for their group along West Bypass, between Sunshine and Farm Road […]
MoDOT’s Highway Hijinks Confuse, Entertain
SPRINGFIELD, MO—The Missouri Department of Transportation says this is the best practical joke they have ever pulled and they are enjoying every moment of it. On Monday they unveiled the first interchange of its kind in the United States, and it’s now open in north Springfield. It’s a diverging diamond interchange at I-44 and Kansas […]
Branson Airport Sees Infinity Percent Growth over May 2008
After months of posting no gains in passenger numbers traffic hit an unexpected surge in May. Airport officials said Thursday that May passenger numbers were up “like a ka-jillion percent” compared to May 2008, marking the airport’s busiest month on record. The increase comes after several years of and flat figures. “The May numbers are […]
Nixa Alderman Deny Judicial System
NIXA, MO—At least two city aldermen are calling for the town’s mayor to resign as soon as possible. Mayor Brian Hayes faces charges of driving while intoxicated and has yet to be found guilty of breaking any laws. Aldermen Michael Durbin and Kevin Elmer say Hayes needs to step down so a new mayor, or […]
Hooligan Attacks Soccer Field With Truck
Springfield, MO—A hooligan motorist was arrested Tuesday at the Cooper Family Soccerplex after launching his pickup truck through a fence, shredding two soccer fields and ramming the truck repeatedly into a concession stand. Witnesses told Springfield police the suspect got out of the truck, walked to the Killian Sports Complex and verbally abused several people […]
CID To Hire Pied Piper For Commercial Street Bums
Springfield, MO—A half-cent sales tax along Commercial Street is closer to becoming a reality after the City Council voted Monday. Money generated from the proposed tax would go toward building a web site that would market Commercial Street, with funds also used for additional police patrols, snow and trash removal, business recruitment and retention, transportation […]
Yakov Billboard Explodes
Branson, MO—A prominent billboard featuring famous Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff exploded last night sending debris across both north and southbound lanes of US highway 65. For years the billboard positioned a smiling image of Smirnoff wearing a muskrat full fur Russian hat while holding a stick of dynamite with a lit fuse that proclaimed “danger […]
Closed-Captioning in Ozarks Courtrooms
Springfield, MO—Aaron Sachs, Springfield, Missouri Injury Attorney, has expanded his exclusive sponsorship of closed-captioning services on local television stations (KOLR-10, Ozarks Fox and KY3) in the Springfield Missouri Area to all courtrooms as well. Approximately 1 in 12 people, or criminals, have some sort of difficulty hearing or understanding speech or other sounds. This difficulty […]
John Q. Hammons Changes Name To Unpronounceable Symbol
Springfield–In a move that’s destined to have major ramifications for area hotels, convention centers, baseball stadiums, basketball arenas, office buildings, medical facilities, thoroughfares, residence halls, architectural fountains, and statues, local business magnate John Q. Hammons has announced that he is changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol: ℑ. “I read about this kinda thing a […]
Wehrenberg Steeds Escape Out Back of Theater
Springfield—Eleven American Quarter horses escaped out of the back of Campbell 16 Cine Theaters Wednesday night. The horses, known as the Wehrenberg Steeds, have been enjoyed by generations for their pageantry as they deliver reels of film to the theater. The horses were apparently spooked when viewing Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, the newest film starring […]
Former Governor Plows Over Defenseless Citizen
Springfield police issued a ticket to former Missouri Governor Matt Blunt Monday evening for failing to yield. Police say Blunt was traveling southbound on Kickapoo Avenue when he stopped for a stop sign at Cherry Street. Police say as Blunt pulled into the intersection, a scooter struck his Ford Explorer. “Wow. That’s not cool. I […]
