Firefighters, Police To Sell CU To Highest Bidder

Springfield—Local fire and police officials have decided to sell City Utilities to fund the Police-Fire Pension Fund. “Well, it just sitting there. Nobody is using it” said Fire Chief Doug Dorman. “Everyone just started looking around the city for things to sell and we found a few old desks, an old fire truck we used in parades a long time ago, and then (Police Chief) Frank (Sithell) goes, ‘hey check out this utility company’ we were all like oh yeah.”

If the utility sold today it would fetch $1.59 billion. In 2010, when the Southwest 2 plant comes online, the value would exceed 2 billion dollars.

City Attorney Dan Wichmer said cashing in on the utility’s value and using the proceeds for another purpose would require a citywide vote. Policeman Earl Jones says, “not only could we replenish the Police-Fire Pension Fund, we could totally trick out our patrol cars with that kind of cash!” Local fire fighter Louis Herald was optimistic as well. “We could increase our presence at the Sertoma Chili Cook-Off next year with, like, an extra $1 billion.”

As of press time, the city’s Parks department found and planned to sell multiple
buildings positioned around the city with extra tall garage doors and equipped with dancing poles. The Health department also says it found a large body of water on the south side of the city and plans to auction it off as it would “bring a pretty penny and would benefit the residents of Springfield because this lake produces lots of mosquitoes during the summer.

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