Archive for May, 2009
‘Nixa Hellhound’ Turns Self In
Nixa, MO — Described as a mutated deer, a hybrid fox/wolfman, and even as a hunchback gorilla, tales of the Nixa Hellhound have spread quickly across the Ozarks this year. Though only a few have seen the creature and even fewer claim to have photographic evidence, stories of the beast eating goldfish from backyard ponds […]
Bass Pro Shops Unveils New Marketing Effort
Springfield, MO — Slashing marketing budgets is nothing new, especially in this economy, but in the face of such challenges Bass Pro Shops has decided to take a completely new approach to advertising. “We’ve done all sort of advertising over the years,” said Butch Gitcha, Director of Marketing for Bass Pros Shops, “print, TV, direct […]
Fuzz Challenge Drunks to Dodge Saturation
Buffalo, MO—Missouri Highway Patrol Troop D will conduct four driving-while-intoxicated saturations in Dallas County in June, July, and August with no element of surprise. So if you’re planning to drink those months in that area well, let this serve as a heads-up. Areas selected for enforcement are based on a high number of drinking-related traffic […]
Louie the Mascot Ponders Relationship Status
Springfield, MO—Moments after the bride and groom exchanged vows on the diamond at Hammons Field Saturday, Louie the mascot began contemplating his own relationship status. Having been on the road now for 5 years, Louie has shown signs that settling down may be in his future. “I remember when we, ‘big’ Cards, came to town […]
Truck Trap Foils Two Trucks in Two Days
Springfield, MO—For the second day in a row, another illiterate truck driver has succumbed to the “truck trap” low overpass at the Grant and Commercial intersection. “Man, I could sell tickets to this event. It’s like a free demolition derby out here. Watching vehicles with not too quick drivers try and squeeze under this overpass […]
Large, Inflatable Gorillas Hit Hard By Ozark Car Dealers Closing
Ozark, MO—The recession has found itself yet another victim. Due to car dealerships closing all over the Ozarks, large inflatable gorillas have found themselves out of work with no means of supporting their large inflatable families. “Mojo sad,” said Mojo, a large inflatable gorilla, after seeing his large inflatable pink slip. Mojo has a similar […]
Two Women Use Jedi Mind Trick To Rob Joplin Businesses
Joplin, MO—Police are looking for two women who stole a train suspension system from the F A G Bearings plant on Tuesday night. Police said one of the women posed as a F A G employee and the second played the role of customer. The duo also reportedly made off with a 52-inch, flat-screen Samsung […]
Firefighters, Police To Sell CU To Highest Bidder
Springfield—Local fire and police officials have decided to sell City Utilities to fund the Police-Fire Pension Fund. “Well, it just sitting there. Nobody is using it” said Fire Chief Doug Dorman. “Everyone just started looking around the city for things to sell and we found a few old desks, an old fire truck we used […]
MO Legislature Session Is Out!
Missouri Legislators recently wrapped up this year’s lawmaking session in Jefferson City. Last Friday was hectic day in the House as Representatives had to rush into some of this year’s most important issues such as cleaning out lockers, signing yearbooks and saying goodbye to friends. Late Friday afternoon, a big sigh of relief came from […]
Soon to Close Dance Club Opens Today
Springfield—A new dance club opened today on South Street in downtown Springfield and according to the owner, Dan Matthews, he can’t wait to be the next in a long line of Queen City dance clubs to shut their doors quickly. “I am thrilled to follow the path forged by Traffic, Club Intensity, Confetti’s and so […]
Downtown Theater To Shoot Developer in Other Leg
Springfield—Six months after it opened, a legal storm is brewing over downtown Springfield‘s 14-screen movie theater. Hollywood Theaters Inc., which operates Hollywood Theaters College Station Stadium 14, is suing its landlord, alleging it’s owed nearly $900,000 by College Station LLC and is being overcharged for monthly rent and currently plans to shoot local developer Scott […]
Tourists Can’t Find ProBass on GPS Unit
Springfield—Two local tourists, Hank Bigrow and Jimmy Flagger, took a special trip from their hometown to visit the granddaddy of outdoor sporting worlds on Tuesday. Problem was they couldn’t find it on their global positioning system they relied upon. “I’d never been to the area so I wasn’t sure where Pro Bass was located,” said […]
Branson Airport Celebrated With Congestion
Branson—This past weekend thousands of people gathered to celebrate the opening of the new $155 million Branson Airport in highway 76-style: waiting in traffic. Yes, Saturday hundreds of visitors sat in traffic for hours before even reaching the new facility to enjoy the Branson air show. Branson Mayor, Raeanne Presley, said, “our citizens have a […]
Farmers Black Markets Corrupt Springfield Commerce
Springfield—Economic pressures continue to create new markets in the Ozarks for goods and services not easily acquired. Recently, crowds of shoppers are rumored to be attending farmers black markets popping up around the city. These dens of phantom trades promote sellers ready to move illegal goods. Amish who peddle copyrighted digital materials, local farmers with […]
Moore, Everyone’s Brother announce bid for U.S. Representative
Three-term Greene County Prosecutor Darrell Moore on Thursday unveiled his bid to represent southwest Missouri in Congress, as did Everyone’s Brother. With the announcement, Moore, 51, officially joined an already-crowded group of candidates vying for Missouri’s 7th Congressional District seat, currently occupied by U.S. Rep. Roy Blunt, R-Springfield. Blunt began a campaign early this year […]
