Table Rock Lake Piracy?

Lampe, MO—Local officials are issuing warnings to all lake-goers this spring/summer as Somali pirates may have been spotted in the waters of Table Rock Lake. The National Volunteer Coastguard of Somalia, whose operations originated off the coast of Africa, has been suspected of moving operations to the Ozarks.

As global awareness rises, security off the Horn of Africa has increased causing some pirates to seek calmer waters. More fertile territory, opportunity for growth and a fondness for bass fishing are considered by many to be the driving forces behind potential pirate relocation.

Water patrol officer Lance Boarder, who halted two suspicious small high-speed motor boats and a mid-size support vessel on Thursday, said “monitoring and combating any of these misdeeds is next to impossible unless we demand strict adherence to displaying the jolly roger flag on any watercraft used by those who commit piracy.”

Baxter Boat Dock owners are calling upon Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano to take action now before it is too late. “This new homeland security threat should be treated just as seriously as any other potential terrorist attacks within our borders,” said local knee-boarder Charlie Fitzsimmons.

When reached for comment, officials for the Showboat Branson Belle expressed no concern for the well being of their vessel. “I’m sure ‘pirates’ aren’t even aware we exist. Furthermore, they would have no idea that we have hundreds of tourists on board every trip that bring lots of cash that we use to line our ‘treasure chests’,” said Captain Shad Owing the IV with a wink and a nod.

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