Dickerson Park Will “Totally Get On Finding That Missing Panther “

In a press conference yesterday Dickerson Park Zoo official Charles Ranstad told local law enforcement officers and several members of the press that they will “Totally get on finding that missing panther,” the Zoo official then added “Geez. Get off our back.”

The panther, a 250 pound killing machine, went missing last week and is still at large in the northwest area of Springfield. Although the panther has left a trail of dead deer, dogs, and homeless men; the zoo still has not acted in anyway to capture the creature.

“Look, spring is our busy season. We have to feed animals, sweep walk-ways, and run concession stands. We only have two hands,” added Mr. Ranstad after being shown a picture of the bloody unidentified mass.

“That panther was literally in our living room,” said Hector Garner. “I left my door open while I was grilling and it snuck in. The stupid thing was gnawing on my coffee table.”

Mr. Garner promptly called the zoo, but help never came.

“We can’t drop everything and follow up on every nut job that claims he sees a panther. And who knows that is even our panther. Was our name on it?” stated Mr. Ranstad when questioned about the incident.

After being asked when the zoo will start taking action Mr. Ranstad stated,” I will do it in a second, alright? Besides these things tend to take care of themselves,” he added with a wink.

Of course Ranstads referring to the 2004 incident where a camel escaped from the zoo, wandered on Kansas Expressway, and was promptly hit by a four passenger mini-van.

Local law enforcement is advising residents to remain inside and avoid eating, or smelling like meat.

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