All Entries Tagged With: "United States"
MSU Bears Land 2019 Recruit
Springfield MO – The Missouri State basketball program has landed a future recruit for the upcoming 2019 season. Joey Jones a 3-foot 4-inch player from McGregor Elementary gave an oral commitment yesterday to sign with the Bears when he becomes old enough. “It’s a big relief not having to worry about where I am going […]
Giant Motionless Robot Attacks!
Springfield, MO—At twenty minutes before eight, central time, Professor Farrell of the Missouri State University Observatory, reported observing several explosions of incandescent gas, occurring at regular intervals on the planet Mars. Moments later a large, mostly immobile Martian robot was seen hovering over Jordan Valley Park. The expressionless metallic invader stuck fear into nearby park […]
Local Man Too Excited About Today
September 29,2010 is a very exciting day for Springfield resident Tom Banner not because it has any significance, but because it specifically has no significance. “Everyone gets excited about July 4th, or April 20th, but sometimes it takes little useless days to make us step back and realize how wonderful the world is,” Banner said. […]
First Airport Diverging Diamond Runways Opens
Springfield, MO—Just a month after completing the second diverging diamond intersection in Springfield at National Ave. and James River Freeway, city and airport officials held a ribbon cutting on Monday to celebrate the “first-in-the-nation” diverging diamond runways at the Springfield Branson National Airport. The $22 million dollar project is being hailed by city officials as […]
Superman’s Fortress Appears Near Hammons’ Tower
Springfield, MO—Due to global warming, Superman’s Fortress of Solitude has begun to appear at the Commons Park at National Street and Trafficway. The spiky fortress peaks began to appear last week and city leaders are worried that the appearance will delay the development of the new park touted as the gateway to Jordan Valley. “I […]
Snuggies Allowed in R-12 Classrooms
Springfield MO - In an effort to reduce energy costs in the Springfield public schools, all teachers will be wearing the popular “Snuggie” in the classroom. “We recently sent out a memorandum stating that due to high energy consumption, personal space heaters, coffee makers, refrigerators, popcorn makers, and microwave ovens will no longer be allowed […]
Bed Bugs Bite; MSU Tuck-Ins Awesome
Springfield, MO—Missouri State University is addressing a growing pest concern by offering a “tuck-in” service for all students who are fighting with bed bugs. According to sources, a residence advisor will visit dorm rooms that are reporting pest problems, tuck each student into bed and recite the phrase, “sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs […]
Eckersley To Live In Van By The River If Elected
Springfield MO.- Seventh congressional candidate Scott Eckersley has vowed not only to take a pay cut if elected, but to cut other expenses by living in his camper van by the Potomac River in Washington D.C.. “I recently came out and said I would take a lower salary from the $174,000.00 representatives make down to […]
Billy Long Cardboard Cutout Agrees to Debate
Springfield MO - After weeks of negotiations between the seventh congressional candidates, Billy Long has agreed to a question and answer session between himself and his democratic opponent Scott Eckersly. The date for the event is scheduled for November 1st, one day before the election. According to the terms of the debate, sources have indicated […]
Local Man Sloths on Labor Day
Springfield, MO—In an ironic twist, local man Jerry Baker spent most of Labor Day wasting away on his futon. Baker had planned to clean his house, fix his backyard fence and finally get that new coat of paint on his ’84 Chevy pickup, however, he chose to flip aimlessly through his satellite television channels instead. […]
Drury Bike Program Rolls On
Springfield MO-Students at Drury University in Springfield will now have a choice to help the environment by using a bike around campus. The bikes are part of the students’ sustainability tuition fee. This fee was approved by students years ago and must be used for the helping the environment as well as being a benefit […]
Outlaw Gang Tracked to Sherwood Forrest
Springfield, MO—Greene County Sheriff’s deputies have tracked an outlaw gang to a Southside neighborhood in Greene County known as Sherwood Forrest located off highway 160 or Campbell Avenue. According to reports, the gang is responsible for multiple thefts across the city, numerous acts of mischief and several drive by arrow shootings. Local resident Gloria Shiffold […]
Public Helps City Identify Vacant Buildings
Springfield Mo.- City officials in the Building Services Department in Springfield Missouri say the public response to the call to locate and identify vacant buildings has caught them completely off guard. A recent editorial in a publication called the News- Leader urged the general public to call officials when they saw an abandoned building. “Our […]
Ravenwood South Secedes From City, State, Union
Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Ravenwood South neighborhood association voted to secede from the City Of Springfield, the state of Missouri and the Union in a 7-1 vote. The association claimed that mounting city, national and state government debts are burdening the neighborhood, and “our homeowners deserve a chance to try to govern ourselves.” Ravenwood South […]
Cup Thesis In Bridge’s Wire Fence
Springfield, MO – A local Missouri State University graduate student has been trying to complete his Master’s thesis for years now, and the end is not in sight. Dean Crayley has been a student at MSU for 20 years, 16 of which have been spent in pursuit of his graduate thesis. “I have the whole […]
