All Entries Tagged With: "United States"
Student Misses School Closing Screen Crawl
Springfield, MO—Jude Kimmers, a sophomore at Hillcrest High School totally missed the “s” section of the school closing screen crawl on the local news this morning. According to his sister, Jamie, Kimmers had been watching the morning news in hopes that Springfield Public Schools would close due to icy road conditions. “Jude was glued to […]
Riverside Bridge To Be Stored At Heer’s Building Temporarily
Ozark, MO – In light of the recent troubles that have befallen the beloved and beleaguered Riverside Bridge of Christian County, local politicians have devised a seemingly foolproof solution: they intend to store the bridge in the Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield until all of the legal issues can be hammered out. “Really, if you […]
Hammons’ Statue Tells Fortunes for Quarter
Springfield, MO—To dispense the considerable business knowledge acquired by local hotelier, John Q. Hammons, his likeness has been converted into a fortune telling machine. Those who seek business knowledge can be transformed from business novice to savvy professional one quarter at a time. “Let’s be honest, John hasn’t felt very good recently. We were looking […]
Holiday Traffic Destroys Holiday Spirit
Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf […]
TSA Implements Hokey Pokey At SGF Airport
Springfield, MO— The head of the Transportation Security Administration said Sunday that he would try to make airport screening “as minimally invasive as possible,” and introduced a new screening procedure that includes dancing the “Hokey Pokey” which will replace aggressive pat-downs that have rankled passengers and lawmakers. As the busy travel season approaches, TSA agents […]
New Crimes Invented at SGF Crime Lab
Springfield, MO—The Missouri State Highway Patrol Crime Lab has recently revealed that it has been working on secret new crimes that could be committed in our lifetime. Some of the rumored new crimes include time traveling into the past and making contact with relatives irrevocable changing the future, gaining access to a parallel universe and […]
YMCA Discourages “Butthole-Stamping” in Locker Room
Springfield, MO—Located on the South side of town, the Pat Jones Family YMCA has instituted a 10-minute maximum of naked time in the men’s locker room to improve hygiene, reduce awkward naked conversations, prevent unsightly surprise sightings of ancient arse complemented with a side of gray-haired wrinkle sacks and limit butthole-stamping on locker room equipment. […]
Bass Pro Opens Bass Amateur
Springfield, MO – According to sources, Bass Pro shops has opened a pilot store in town targeting those who are not quite comfortable with their outdoor skills. Bass Amateur, or BassAm, is located on N. Campbell Avenue, next to the existing store. “BassAm is comfortable to me because I don’t have to pretend I know […]
Ready For Change: Vending Machine Degrees
Springfield, MO – To help President Obama increase the number of college-educated Americans, Bryan College will offer associate degrees via vending machine in the Spring 2011 semester. This is a bold but inevitable change, according to Bryan College administrator Haf Hiddin, who has reworked the BC education system to be less teacher-driven and more student-friendly. […]
Long’s Pedicurist Leaks Reelection Slogan
Springfield, MO—In the wake of the November 2 election, Billy Long’s camp has wasted no time in putting together a plan for his reelection campaign. According to a woman who identifies herself as Long’s pedicurist, Long will abandon his extremely popular “Fed Up?” slogan in 2012. The pedicurist, who would like to remain nameless, claims […]
Missouri Farmers Start Elderberry Craze with “What the Hell is An Elderberry Festival”
Springfield, MO – Trying to start new enthusiasm for elderberries, local farmers are headlining a new festival to celebrate the Missouri fruit. The “What the Hell is An Elderberry Festival” will show Missourians all the great uses of elderberries as well as what the hell they are. The many booths will be entitled “Elderberry Wine,” […]
McDonald’s Squawk Box Changes Voice
Nixa, MO—According to reports, a person with multiple personalities is working the drive thru at McDonald’s in Southwest Missouri. Leonard Hillary, a local customer, claims that every time he visits the McDonald’s located on HWY 14 near US 160 the person asking for his order uses two different voices. “I pulled up and this woman […]
Cofer’s Address Focuses on Bow Tie Usage
Springfield, MO— In his first State of the University address, the new president of Missouri State University didn’t just try to motivate, he stressed the importance of the bowtie. James Cofer outlined many challenges, most notably, the adoption of an oft-overlooked men’s accessory. “The bowtie has served me well over the years, and I feel […]
Biden Visit “Big Effin’ Deal”
Springfield, MO—On Thursday Vice President Joe Biden was greeted by Springfield residents with a huge banner that read “Have a nice Effin’ Visit”. Biden, who will attend a private fundraiser for Senate hopeful Robin Carnahan (D), has only a few hours scheduled in the Ozarks before he zips off to another campaign stop in Seattle, […]
Customer Report: Pizza Less than Incredible
Breaking News Springfield, MO – Local curmudgeon Jeffery Owings has a bone to pick – with Incredible Pizza. “I went to this allegedly Incredible Pizza the other day. I had expectations, let me tell you. And guess what? They weren’t met, no sir. Not in the least. The pizza was far from incredible. It was, […]
