All Entries Tagged With: "United States"
Vineyard, Pancake House Merge to Form “Martha’s”
Springfield, MO—In this economy, local businesses are seeking unconventional ways to stay afloat, recently Martha’s Pancake House and Martha’s Vineyard decided to make the journey to profitability together by merging together to form “Martha’s.” The new joint venture will feature 24-hour combination of pancake house during the day and a gay nightlife destination during […]
Half-Man, Half-Segway Patrols Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO- The Battlefield Mall has a new unsung protector to keep the shopping center free from crime. Officer Max Thurgood, otherwise known as Sego-Cop, can be seen wheeling in justice at a relaxed-to-somewhat-moderate pace. The two-wheeled avenger has stopped numerous crimes such as loitering, littering, and looking like you are up-to-no-good. ‘It started when […]
Squirrel Poachers Plague Nature Center
Springfield, MO- The elusive and endangered gray squirrel is on the brink of extinction thanks to a myriad of squirrel poachers illegally killing the peaceful creatures. The Springfield Nature Center is one of the only sanctuaries for these gentle giants, but even the Center cannot hold against the ruthless killers. “I don’t think the poachers […]
Bitter Old Miser Shown True Meaning of President’s Day
Springfield, MO- Edgar Scrumb, owner of Scrum Mortgage and Loan, was taught a valuable lesson about caring, giving, and the true meaning of President’s Day by three spirits. Edgar’s horrify night started after telling his employees they have to work on President’s day. That night he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and […]
Fortune Telling Lawyer Open for Business
Springfield, MO—Local attorney Newsome Higsby has moved his law practice into a former fortuneteller’s office on Glenstone and St. Louis Street in Springberg, hoping to glean some otherworldly help in his caseload. Higsby said, “The space has a special aura about it. I think that most defendants would appreciate help from beyond the grave, and […]
Snow-Fearing Ozarkians Lose Their Effin’ Minds
Springfield, MO—Mass hysteria has blanketed the Ozarks pending a predicted snowfall that is estimated to be the largest accumulation since 1912, essentially Ozarkians have lost their effin’ minds. “I went to the store as soon as I done heard there was gonna be a Snownado come up and take us all to the icy hell,” […]
Mary Kay Meeting At Pink Cadillac Lounge
Springfield, MO—Newly hired Mary Kay representative, Joan Fingersaver, recently booked the annual Mary Kay annual chapter meeting at the best location she had never visited, the Pink Cadillac on South Glenstone Street. “Oh no I’ve never been there but I thought it would be the perfect place for our meeting, I mean, we drive pink […]
MSU Bears Offer Pacemakers to Fans
Springfield, MO—The Missouri State University athletics department will be offering branded pacemakers to any interested fans due to the heart-racing ending of most men’s basketball games. Pacemakers can be picked up at the JQH Arena ticket booth Monday through Friday from 1-4 pm. “We’re literally killing our fans with excitement, each game is coming down […]
“Safe Place” Signs Scare Locals
Springfield, MO—Springfield residents have been avoiding locations that display signs with the “Safe Place” logo, which features a large yellow creature sneaking up behind and grabbing another person. “I’m not going anywhere near those signs,” said resident, Julie Watterson, “I don’t want to be grabbed.” Like Watterson, most people have interpreted the logo to mean […]
Doctor Promotes Smoker Environment
Springfield MO-A not too well noted Springfield doctor is taking his patients back to the time where 3 out of every 5 doctors recommended smoking certain brands of cigarettes. Any patient of Dr. John Dilly will have the freedom to enjoy their favorite cigarette in the waiting room and if they like during their examination. […]
Overwatch Manor Doghouse Biggest In Missouri
Highlandville, MO—Construction crews are bringing the largest doghouse to the Ozarks, and once completed will be one of the biggest dog homes in America. Visible from HWY 65, the canine fortress will reside next to Overwatch Manor and be known as Overwatch Kennel. Records indicate Steven T. Huff, founder of Overwatch Systems, is listed on […]
The Zodiac Sells Out
SPRINGFIELD, MO—The earth’s alignment has changed and so have the dates assigned to zodiac signs. “We’ve known about this for awhile,” admitted Parke Funkle, official spokesperson for the American Coalition of Astrologers (ACA) and vice president of Dudes with Weird Names (DWN). “It was time for a change, horoscopes just weren’t selling like they used […]
Ft. Wood Attacked by Mighty Black Tornado
Springfield, MO—Fort Leonard Wood was recently attacked by a mighty black tornado, ripping through soldier’s ranks like a tear in a lost lottery ticket. The force of nature completely dominated the most powerful military force on Earth with little regard for repercussions. Former President Bush said, “These tornadoes are devastating, when cold and warm air […]
Northtown Mall-Mart Still a Mall
Springfield, MO – Owner of the Northtown Mall on Kearney and Glenstone fears that Wal-Mart is scaring off other tenants. “Yes we are still a mall,” stated the owner. Its not hard to see how this is confusing to Springfield residents as Wal-Mart seems to have overtaken the Northtown Mall structure with its new super […]
Man Finds Nephew Less Annoying this Christmas
Branson, MO – Local uncle Kevin Pollard has discovered an unexpected gift this holiday season: his sister’s son, Skyler, is slightly less annoying than he was this time last year. In past years Pollard has experienced anxiety during family visits due to what some call Small Relative Stress Disorder (SRSD). “I’m just not really good […]
