All Entries Tagged With: "United States"
Table Rock Sauna
Branson, MO- What started as a very typical summer with a rainy Memorial Day Weekend has turned into a very atypical June with record temperatures. An unpleasant byproduct of this weather is the already extreme temperature of lake water at Table Rock Lake. Soaring over 90 degrees, local residents and lake goers are reacting to […]
MoDOT’s Highway Hijinks Confuse, Entertain
SPRINGFIELD, MO—The Missouri Department of Transportation says this is the best practical joke they have ever pulled and they are enjoying every moment of it. On Monday they unveiled the first interchange of its kind in the United States, and it’s now open in north Springfield. It’s a diverging diamond interchange at I-44 and Kansas […]
Branson Airport Sees Infinity Percent Growth over May 2008
After months of posting no gains in passenger numbers traffic hit an unexpected surge in May. Airport officials said Thursday that May passenger numbers were up “like a ka-jillion percent” compared to May 2008, marking the airport’s busiest month on record. The increase comes after several years of and flat figures. “The May numbers are […]
Nixa Alderman Deny Judicial System
NIXA, MO—At least two city aldermen are calling for the town’s mayor to resign as soon as possible. Mayor Brian Hayes faces charges of driving while intoxicated and has yet to be found guilty of breaking any laws. Aldermen Michael Durbin and Kevin Elmer say Hayes needs to step down so a new mayor, or […]
Hooligan Attacks Soccer Field With Truck
Springfield, MO—A hooligan motorist was arrested Tuesday at the Cooper Family Soccerplex after launching his pickup truck through a fence, shredding two soccer fields and ramming the truck repeatedly into a concession stand. Witnesses told Springfield police the suspect got out of the truck, walked to the Killian Sports Complex and verbally abused several people […]
CID To Hire Pied Piper For Commercial Street Bums
Springfield, MO—A half-cent sales tax along Commercial Street is closer to becoming a reality after the City Council voted Monday. Money generated from the proposed tax would go toward building a web site that would market Commercial Street, with funds also used for additional police patrols, snow and trash removal, business recruitment and retention, transportation […]
John Q. Hammons Changes Name To Unpronounceable Symbol
Springfield–In a move that’s destined to have major ramifications for area hotels, convention centers, baseball stadiums, basketball arenas, office buildings, medical facilities, thoroughfares, residence halls, architectural fountains, and statues, local business magnate John Q. Hammons has announced that he is changing his name to an unpronounceable symbol: ℑ. “I read about this kinda thing a […]
Wehrenberg Steeds Escape Out Back of Theater
Springfield—Eleven American Quarter horses escaped out of the back of Campbell 16 Cine Theaters Wednesday night. The horses, known as the Wehrenberg Steeds, have been enjoyed by generations for their pageantry as they deliver reels of film to the theater. The horses were apparently spooked when viewing Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, the newest film starring […]
Former Governor Plows Over Defenseless Citizen
Springfield police issued a ticket to former Missouri Governor Matt Blunt Monday evening for failing to yield. Police say Blunt was traveling southbound on Kickapoo Avenue when he stopped for a stop sign at Cherry Street. Police say as Blunt pulled into the intersection, a scooter struck his Ford Explorer. “Wow. That’s not cool. I […]
Borat Busts Branson Slave Trade
According to the U.S. attorney for the Western District of Missouri, a federal indictment in Kansas City claims defendants used false information to obtain fake work visas for foreign workers, who were then threatened with deportation while living in substandard apartments and working for inadequate pay. “High five!” said international reporter Borat Sagdiyev, after he […]
Andy’s Last Frozen Custard Stand
Springfield, MO—Andy’s Frozen Custard has scrapped plans to build in the sacred lands of Montana’s Black Hills at Little Bighorn. After long planning sessions and months of negotiations the U.S. Department of the Interior pulled the plug on the project late last night. “The Northern Plains Indians way of life really leaned toward shaved ice […]
‘Nixa Hellhound’ Turns Self In
Nixa, MO — Described as a mutated deer, a hybrid fox/wolfman, and even as a hunchback gorilla, tales of the Nixa Hellhound have spread quickly across the Ozarks this year. Though only a few have seen the creature and even fewer claim to have photographic evidence, stories of the beast eating goldfish from backyard ponds […]
Fuzz Challenge Drunks to Dodge Saturation
Buffalo, MO—Missouri Highway Patrol Troop D will conduct four driving-while-intoxicated saturations in Dallas County in June, July, and August with no element of surprise. So if you’re planning to drink those months in that area well, let this serve as a heads-up. Areas selected for enforcement are based on a high number of drinking-related traffic […]
Large, Inflatable Gorillas Hit Hard By Ozark Car Dealers Closing
Ozark, MO—The recession has found itself yet another victim. Due to car dealerships closing all over the Ozarks, large inflatable gorillas have found themselves out of work with no means of supporting their large inflatable families. “Mojo sad,” said Mojo, a large inflatable gorilla, after seeing his large inflatable pink slip. Mojo has a similar […]
Firefighters, Police To Sell CU To Highest Bidder
Springfield—Local fire and police officials have decided to sell City Utilities to fund the Police-Fire Pension Fund. “Well, it just sitting there. Nobody is using it” said Fire Chief Doug Dorman. “Everyone just started looking around the city for things to sell and we found a few old desks, an old fire truck we used […]
