All Entries Tagged With: "United States"
SNL Honors FCN
Springfield, MO—Saturday Night Live recently honored Fair City News by bringing “Catch the Swine Fever” to life in a sketch that aired nationwide on NBC November 7, 2009. The original FCN story posted April 28, 2009 and was picked up by SNL writers who comb the Internet’s best satire websites searching for material. On Monday, […]
Greenskeeper Wanted on Drug Charges
Springfield, MO—Carl Spackler, former greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Club is wanted in Greene County on a charge of possession of a controlled substance. He also has a misdemeanor warrant. Spackler, 44, is white, 6-foot-4, and 220 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes. Spackler may have short-cut hair, rather than the style shown in this […]
Corbett Lawfirm Responsible for Pencil Property Damage
Springfield, MO— The phrase “Ah sir, they’ve hired Corbett Lawfirm” has been responsible for pencil breaks across the Ozarks. Initially thought to indicate that the case will be a snap to win against Corbett Lawfirm, sources close to the firm maintain that anger, fear, frustration and uncertainty are the human emotions tapped by the magical […]
Elderly and Jobless to Vote Today
Springfield, MO—Ozarkers will take to the polls today; the jobless and elderly will likely constitute the majority of those voting as most people in this area don’t bother themselves with such trivial issues. Voters in Springfield will be asked to approve the mistakes of the City of Springfield on the Fire and Police Fund or […]
Auto Magic To Hire Elves for Holidays
Springfield, MO—Local automatic car wash company Auto Magic plans to hire a new breed of employee for the holiday season and are reaching out to elves. Elves, a race of divine or semi-divine beings are endowed with magical powers, which they use for the benefit of mankind, said a company official. We feel that our […]
Nixa Hellhound Tracked to Camp Winoka
Springfield, MO—Paul the Nixa Hellhound has been seen bathing in the springs at Winoka Lodge, better known as Camp Winoka. The camp has been closed after rumors spread that several girl scouts were brutally murdered, however, conspiracy theorists claim the story was fabricated to protect the Nixa Hellhound habitat after it claimed the area as […]
Black-Eyed Kids Eat Free at Incredible Pizza
Springfield, MO—America’s Incredible Pizza Company, located at 2850 S. Campbell Avenue, has announced that all Black-Eyed Kids eat free every Tuesday from 5-10 pm. A new Black-Eyed Kids buffet menu has been implemented and executives hope that the new promotion will provide a safe place for the BEK to find ample nourishment. “The Missouri Ozarks […]
Government Official Confirms Alien Cover-Up In Missouri
Cape Girardeau, MO—Since 1941 government officials have successfully concealed an alien crash landing in the Ozarks. The activities and actions that spring night helped shape the response to the Roswell, NM cover-up six years later in 1947. “Really, we couldn’t have asked for a better ‘dress rehearsal’ than the crash cover-up in Southeast Missouri,” said […]
Villages at Wicklow Welcome Madmartigan
Nixa, MO—According to his agent, the boastful mercenary swordsman Madmartigan, has purchased a house in the Nixa community known as the Villages at Wicklow. Madmartigan plans to move into the new home with his wife Sorsha and adopted daughter Elora before years’ end. The Ozarks have been home to several famous people, however this is […]
Train Wreck Politician Sells Out
Point Lookout, MO—All available Sarah Palin tickets have been snapped up by local Ozarkers, curious to see the woman who dashed Republican hopes of another run in the White House during the 2008 Presidential election. Governor Palin is scheduled to address a crowd at College of the Ozarks December 2, as a featured speaker in […]
MO D.O.C. Reports Positive Economic Numbers
Jefferson City, MO—Missouri‘s Department of Corrections has announced that the state’s prison population has reached an all-time high amid poor economic conditions. This is the first report from a government agency regarding positive growth since mid-2007. The Department director attributes the fantastic growth numbers to an increase in criminal activity, due to soul-crushing economic pressures. […]
Christian County Assessor’s Bad Hair Convicted
Ozark, MO—Christian County Assessor, Sandra Bryant-Littles, has been convicted for not assessing her own crazy hair-do. Fashion police visited the perp after she was indicted by a federal grand jury for failing to report taxable property. In a related case, her husband and farm hand are indicted for reporting a false claim of cattle theft. […]
MSU to Sell JQH Arena, Cut Majors
Springfield, MO—In a bid to secure funding for 2010, Missouri State University president Michael Neitzel plans to sell university assets, the first to go is JQH arena. Said Neitzel, “I’m having our finance department run the numbers and we can get quite a bit of chump change for that airplane hangar on our campus.” When […]
Dam Engineers Skipping Rocks
Branson, MO— Excess water continues to roar through spillway gates at Table Rock Dam, creating a rare opportunity for engineers to blow off some steam by skipping rocks off the vast overflow going through the dam gates. “I tossed one stone into the top of the gate and it hopped 4 times before splashing down […]
Fremont Hills to Purchase Surplus Springfield Land
Springfield, MO—The City of Fremont Hills is looking to purchase surplus property from the City of Springfield. Springfield has surplus property that it is looking to discard in exchange for some much needed cash reserves to supplement the Police-Fire Pension Fund. Fremont Hills has placed sealed bids on the first group of properties for sale. […]
