All Entries Tagged With: "United States"
Candidate “C” Named As Finalist For MSU Presidential Job
Springfield, MO—Missouri State University has announced the first of 4 candidates, a Mr. “C”, as a finalist for their top job. FCN has learned Mr. C is rumored to have an uncanny resemblance and likeness to Dr. Richard “Dick” Head. Dr. Dick Head is getting considerable attention and buzz because he reportedly loves to attend […]
Ozarkers do the Artsfest Shuffle
Springfield, MO—Thousands of Artsfest attendees participated in the Artsfest Shuffle this past weekend, moving their feet at half the speed of normal pace. Slow walking and sidestepping were the main dance moves of choice among the herd of people who strolled Walnut Street. “I’d always heard Artsfest was so crowded that you had to do […]
Hobo Fountains Open In JVP
Springfield, MO—Hobos around the country are rejoicing the opening of the Ozarks Stream and Fountain at Jordan Valley Park. Hundreds of vagabaughns are expected to take advantage of the free running water to cleanse themselves for the first time this year. “Baffs are good to have whens you gots fresh water running. The fountain is […]
Local Pervs Devastated by Boobquake Fail
By Snawt T. Buble Springfield, MO—Not everyone is breathing a sigh of relief now that the planet has been spared the predicted boobquake. Local authorizes have arrested three local perverts, Big Jim and the Twins and another person of interest named Chub for allegedly pitching a tent within 50’ of the entrance to Victoria’s Secret […]
Greene County Emergency Services Readies for Worldwide Boobquake Hysteria
By Snawt T. Buble Springfield, MO—Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best, Greene County Emergency Management (GCEM) personnel are taking no chances as the world readies for the possibility of an enormous boobquake. Predicted by an Iranian cleric and amateur seismologist Sedighi, boobquakes are known to happen when women show too much cleavage. […]
Petition for More Annoying Petitions Circulates
Springfield, MO—Among the recent onslaught of annoying petitioners in downtown Springfield, a new petition has begun circulation to increase the amount of petitions. Zebediah Kennard, local artist and self-proclaimed downtowner, remarked, “I’m really glad this new one came along, for a while there it seemed like all the petitions were about to dry up!” Recently […]
Douchebag Sign Warns Residents Of Douchebaggery
Oak Grove Heights, MO—A blinking highway sign in eastern Greene County is catching the attention of drivers. It’s not about road conditions, but a warning that douchebags are on the rise in the area. The sign reads “Sheriff’s Douchebag Alert, Please lock your doors.” It’s sparking a lot of talk, and a lot of d-bag […]
Depends Offered at Branson Zipline
Branson, MO—Zipping thru the trees on a zipline has a new benefit this month: free adult diapers to the first 200 customers. According to sources at Branson Zipline and Canopy Tours, every person whizzing through the air, hundreds of feet above the ground will be given a free pair of Depend Adult Diapers. “Our customers […]
Wal-Mart Replaces Greeters with Chimpanzees
Boliver, MO – Negative customer feedback has led Wal-Mart to begin replacing door greeters with trained Chimpanzees. “In test studies, we found that the chimps were seen as more friendly and could respond more quickly and expertly to customer concerns than the current door greeters,” said Wal-Mart public manipulations representative Sanford Serifftico. Chimps will also […]
AT&T’s Customers To Pay Legal Fines, Fees
Springfield, MO—According to AT&T procedures, the excessivie fines incurred by the loss of $7.45 million to the City of Springfield for back taxes and attoryney’s fees will be paid for by customer fee hikes. “Alexander Grahm Bell always said we should tax our customers whenever we fail to live up to our business obligations,” said […]
Branson Comedians Required To Wear Dentures for 2010 Season
Branson, MO—FCN has learned the Missouri Department of Health Services is unveiling plans to require all Branson comedians wear dentures during the 2010 season. A DHS insider wishing to remain anonymous told FCN, “We have overlooked it for years because it was quaint and funny but for front-row patrons, it really has the potential of […]
Ozarks Reportedly Forced Into Time Warp
Springfield, MO—Local residents were reportedly forced into a strange and unexpected time warp Sunday which may be linked to an ancient tradition of sun worship. Several residents experienced the movement of time and space by exactly one hour. “I woke up and started getting ready when I noticed that my phone and computer clocks were […]
Developer to De-Booger Hickory Hills for Retail Space
Springfield, MO—A buyer has purchased the former Hickory Hills School and plans to turn it into retail space after a strong de-boogering effort cleans the building. Built in 1951, the structure at 3429 E. Chestnut Expressway has been exposed to nostril snot hiding for nearly sixty years. “You never know where a wad of slimy […]
Missouri Highway To Be Renamed After Other Famous Liar
Jefferson City, MO—Mark McGwire highway could be renamed after another famous Missourian who told tall tales and spun a web of lies to achieve fame and fortune; Mark Twain. “Why do we always got to name a highway after someone who isn’t exactly telling the truth?” pondered one Springfield native as he placed a brown […]
Supreme Court Ruling Celebrated By Running Red Lights
Springfield, MO—Erve Hollins, a local resident, celebrated the Missouri Supreme Court’s unanimous decision to strike down use of red light video/still camera enforcement systems by running as many red lights as possible today. The landmark decision forced the City of Springfield to immediately disable all of its traffic law monitoring equipment and invalidates hundreds of […]
