All Entries Tagged With: "United States"
Greene County Outsources Court Cases
Springfield MO—The overwhelming caseload for Greene County attorneys looks to be tamed by a much needed solution; starting August 15th, excess court cases will be outsourced to attorneys in India and Pakistan. Video teleconferencing in Greene County courtrooms will allow remote debating to conduct trails. Attorneys from foreign countries will be granted licenses to practice […]
Dragon Attacks Chesterfield Village
Springfield, MO—Chesterfield Village was burnt asunder yesterday when a fire-breathing dragon attacked the peaceful hamlet. The village, resting on the banks of the River of James, contains numerous shops and pubs that were mostly destroyed. The attack was mid-morning while most serfs and peasants where starting their day. Frendrel Axsword, a paladin champion that protects […]
Billy Long Gets Well Fed, Fed Up
Springfield, MO—Missouri’s 7th Congressional District hopeful Billy Long ate another meal and possibly made new political friends at the same time. According to Billy it went like this. “I was on a doughnut run for my staff when I came upon this group called the Well Fed Neighborhood Alliance. I thought it was an offshoot of […]
Sufjan Stevens Writes “Missouri” Music Album
Springfield, MO – Indie-pop/folk musician Sufjan Stevens has announced that he is continuing his “50 States Project” with an upcoming concept album about the state of Missouri. In an attempt to write and release an album about each state, Stevens will follow his “Greetings from Michigan!” and “Come on Feel the Illinoise” albums with “Missouri […]
Local Woman Finds John Q. Image In French Toast
Springfield, MO – Mrs. Ginger Rinkenbaugh received quite a surprise yesterday morning when the unmistakable image of John Q. Hammons appeared on her second slice of French toast. It was not a sign that she takes lightly in the least. “I had just told my husband, Mortimer, that I was at a loss as to […]
Raw Emotion Contained By Cubicle
Springfield, MO—Randy Hulstalk* successfully contained his raw emotion for the US National soccer team within his cubicle Wednesday. During the USA v. Algeria FIFA World Cup game, Hulstalk secretly streamed the match on his computer monitor, a major violation of company office policies. He successfully stifled his screams, shouting and even pumped his arms in […]
Auto Magic Turns Subaru into Mercedes
Springfield, MO—A car wash customer has witnessed a modern-day miracle at a local wash-rinse-and-go business. Luell Johnagain drove his 1989 Subaru GL AWD Turbo Wagon and drove off with a Mercedes V10 Quad Turbo with a body made of white gold. All who witnessed the automotive magic were stunned and left in utter disbelief. According […]
Fugitive Escapes, Trims Hedges
Branson, MO—Oscar Eugene Richardson, known in the Ozarks as Eugene Ward, was sentenced Monday to 366 days in jail stemming from his 1979 Florida prison escape. On Tuesday, he promptly escaped by walking away from the Taney County jail. Norman Hankey, a jailer, said, “I don’t know how he does it. First in Florida; now […]
Sumbitch Redneck Admits Soccer is “Entertaining”
Springfield, MO—Joe Marshall, local sumbitch redneck, admitted Saturday that watching the FIFA World Cup games were in fact “entertaining as greasin’ up a sow and sticking yams to her face.” Marshall spent Saturday afternoon watching the United States National team battle it out on the pitch with great enthusiasm. “I wuz watching our boys rip […]
Citizens On Patrol: Purse Snatching
Springfield, MO—Incoming Police Chief Paul Williams is impressed that Springfield citizens are responding to his call of a “shared leadership concept”. Recently, a purse snatching episode turning into an arrest due to the heroic actions of a good Samaritan and an alert victim. Williams plans to reinforce his citizens on patrol effort by bringing in […]
Local Men Claim “Worlds Best Dad” Title
Springfield, Mo- Adding to an already intense holiday weekend, there appears to be a close contest for the title of “Best Dad”. Three local Ozarks men appear to be in a heated head-to-head battle for the coveted title. Each was awarded the title when they received as gifts from their children a mug/t-shirt combo with […]
New Ziggie’s Opens in Basement
Springfield, MO—According to sources, a new Ziggie’s restaurant has opened in the basement of Randolph Heckerson’s home at 2348 S. Tucker. The new location will feature the same trademark menu and atmosphere as existing restaurants currently in operation around the Ozarks. According to Heckerson he found the business after returning home from work as an […]
Stone County Tornado Caller
Abesville, MO—Emergency management executives in Stone County will soon hire a Tornado Caller once the aging, expensive-to-maintain tornado/storm sirens are removed June 1st. The county says the existing sirens are too expensive to maintain and “having Ol’ Lou make the rounds in his pick ‘em up truck a hollerin’ a folks” will be much more […]
ROTFLMAO Laughing Yoga Studio Opens Soon
Springfield, MO—Laughter yoga classes will be offered next month at ROTFLMAO located in the Glen Isle Shopping Plaza on South Glenstone avenue. Laughter yoga or laughter therapy promises to relieve stress and strengthen the immune system through strange body movements and hysterical fake laughing. Combining the art of yoga with the element of laughter is […]
Hammons to Fork Over Land
Springfield, MO—After paying $7 million dollars for the vacant lot next to the Springfield Expo Center, John Q. Hammons plans to sell back the property to the City of Springfield for $1.00, after spending $500,000 on plastic forks to be inserted into the land. Hammons released a statement to the Springfield Business Journal saying he […]
