All Entries Tagged With: "parody"
Holiday Homeowners Infected with LED Poisoning
Springfield, MO – An annual family tradition of decorating several lawns with Christmas lights, animated displays and thousands of LED lights to celebrate the holidays and entertain carloads of spectators has been a much anticipated event, however, this year a grim reality prognosis has developed within the family known as a rare form of LED […]
Salty Bear Nuts Actually Quite Tasty
Springfield, MO – Missouri State Bears fans now have the unique opportunity to eat Bear Nuts, which are widely available across Ozarks grocery stores. Bear Nuts are consumed by grabbing a handful, cupping the nuts and slamming them into a wide open mouth. “I like to support my local team and I can’t think of […]
Mom & Pop Health Food Stores Cry Foul
With an irony sweet as a hunk of marbled halvah, local mom and pop health food stores are accusing the multi-outlet, mega health food juggernaut, Mama Jean’s, of running them out of business. “We just can’t compete with a store that has multiple locations, two in upscale parts of the city, that can buy in […]
Gillioz Auction Conducted Via Reality Talent Show
Springfield, MO – The forthcoming auction of the Gillioz Theatre has interesting stipulations surrounding the protocol around purchasing the property: bidders must perform on stage and be voted and selected by a national audience. Similar to reality show such as The X Factor, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, participants in the auction will […]
Downtown Preacher to Address Court with Microphone and Amplifier
Springfield, MO – Described as noisy, annoying and filled with the obnoxious spirit, one downtown preacher has received at least seven tickets for disturbing the peace and plans to represent himself with his self-proclaimed talent for rhetoric coupled with an amplifier and microphone. “This preacher likely saw the Sham-wow guy and thought, ‘hey, I too […]
Veterinarians Day Parade Attracts Hundreds of Animals
Springfield, MO – Springfield’s First Annual Veterinarians Day parade took place on Saturday and was attended by several people and non-humans to show their support for the profession. The 1.5-mile route, which started at Grand Street and South Avenue, was lined by companion animals, livestock, zoo animals and other vets. Duane Dolittle, a vet specializing […]
Classical Musicians Protect the Square with Music
Springfield, MO – To decrease problems on the square, the Springfield Police has paired up with the Urban Districts Alliance by employing classical musicians trained in the art of self-defense and crowd control techniques to sooth criminal behavior and if necessary, strike back with a cello. According to experts, exposure to music–especially classical music–has effectively […]
Drury Audience Amused with Duke Coach’s Name
Springfield, MO – Fans of Drury basketball were entertained this weekend by a tricky college basketball name, Mike Krzyzewskie. “Ker-zoo-ski, sure had a heck of a team. Sounds like he walked into a good recruiting situation…I couldn’t imagine most families sending their sons off to play for someone who they couldn’t even pronounce. ‘My son […]
Child Preparing to Hide Candy from Parents
Springfield, MO – According to playground conversations, 2nd grader Lanie Post is actively putting into motion a plan to keep the best tasting candy out of her parent’s hands during and after Halloween. Claiming past experiences as her motivation, Post is determined to prevent Kit Kats, Reese’s peanut butter cups and Sour Patch Kids from […]
“That Guy” Doing “That Thing” in Branson
Branson, MO – Troy Evans, widely known as “that guy” is scheduled to appear in Branson to do that thing known as “A Wartime Romance” and “Troy Evans’ Montana Tales”. The limited engagement starts next week and brings several veteran actors from Hollywood to Branson. The most appealing draw to the productions is “that guy” […]
City Utilities Provides First White Dusting of the Season
Springfield, MO – Thanks to a malfunction at City Utilities’ John Twitty Energy Center, a few lucky Ozarkians enjoyed an early dusting of white fluffy stuff to play in. The fly-ash distributed over the area gave kids and adults alike the chance for to break out the winter gear. “It was great,” said Noah Fingertoe, […]
GD Home Restoration Accurately Named
Springfield, MO – Local signage has struck a chord with homeowners looking for restoration, goddammit. GD Home Restorations is recognized as one company that is willing to put the frustrations of home renovations on their shingle, one salty curse word abbreviation at a time. “I saw the sign and thought ‘at least they know what […]
Arrowhead Sets World Record for Silence in 2012
Kansas City, MO – It is official, last year the Chiefs set a record at Arrowhead Stadium for being the least loud venue in American football. Team officials only recently revealed that they flew a Guinness World Records official to the Chiefs v. Raiders game in 2012 where fans set the lowest sound record of […]
Shepherd of the Hills Expressway to Close
Branson, MO – In a strange coincidence, The Shepherd of the Hills Expressway will close in a few weeks, around the same time as the last Shepherd of the Hills Outdoor Theatre performance. Citing a rise in insurance, maintenance costs and an increase in elderly drivers, the SotH Expressway will close on Oct. 19th. “The […]
