All Entries Tagged With: "parody"
City Hails New Super Hero: Mr. Hot Legs
Springfield, MO – A new super hero, known as Mr. Hot Legs, revealed himself yesterday by saving 2 women stranded in a frozen lake after their vehicle slid off a neighborhood road. According to the police report the man realized that action was needed immediately and he used his super human power of “warm legs” […]
Children Build Preemptive Snowman
Springfield, MO – Upon hearing the news that Springfield Public Schools preemptively cancelled school today, dozens of children screamed in excitement, ran outside and immediately began building preemptive snowmen. “It was so sweet. My daughter ran out the front door and began to pantomime rolling in the snow, then she made a snow angel in […]
Obama Encourages Nation to Try Springfield-Style Cashew Chicken
Springfield, MO – During the State of the Union address, President Obama urged all citizens of the United States to try Springfield-style cashew chicken as it “tastes really, really good.” The President continued, “not only does it taste good, but it is a perfect symbol of our current State of the Union. A common ingredient […]
Huge Garage Sale Keeps Husbands Up Late
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of husbands stayed up late tagging assorted and various items of a crap spectrum preparing for the nation’s largest garage sale last week. Wives across the area thought it would be good to clean out the house and go out big with a mega event. “Yeah, so Shirley said we could […]
Polar Vortex Disease Blamed for Sick Days
Springfield, MO – Citing inhumane weather and uncomfortable feelings caused by decreased temperatures, hundreds of people across the Ozarks have called in sick prompting the World Health Organization to identify this new ailment as Polar Vortex Disease, or PVD. “I’ve battled PVD ever since I first heard of the polar vortex,” said Amanda Sitherton, “once […]
Owl Beheads Woman
Springfield, MO – Amanda Fickerton was beheaded by a great horned owl last night in a southern neighborhood coffee shop near Ravenswood. Fickerton had been enjoying a night out with friends when the winged beast swooped in, grasped her by the hair and ripped her head from her body. “It was so cool! This thing […]
Mizzou Fans Headed to the NFL
Columbia, MO – After a successful cheering on of their football team during the 41-31 win over Oklahoma State in Friday’s 2014 AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic, hundreds of fans have declared themselves eligible for the 2014 NFL season. “We gave a lot this past year. And we’re foregoing our next year of eligibility to support […]
Polar Vortex Hovered Over Local Man
Springfield, MO – According to witnesses, the Polar Vortex followed a local man wherever he went yesterday, instantly dropping temperatures and freezing many businesses into closure. Jim Wunmertale said he first noticed the change when he left his home to take out the trash. “In the morning, I looked up and there was a black-silverish […]
Elf Massages Half Off This Week!
Springfield, MO – Tiny Hands Massage & Spa has announced a half off deal for the Elf Massage package that includes at least a dozen elves rubbing down customers with itty-bitty hands and fingers. The package normally runs $120/hour but is being offered at $60/hour as an after Christmas sale. “I’ve had the elf massage. […]
Downtown to Host 5k for 5k Awareness
Springfield, MO – According to a recent poll, Springfieldians are less aware of the importance of 5k fundraising and will be enlightened by this 5k for 5k Awareness run. Event staff are accepting applications now and are continuing education around 5k benefits to runners and charity recipients. “We want to communicate to our community that […]
Plane Crashing Into Meteor Landing on Meth House Creates Loud Booms
Springfield, MO – Thousands of citizens experienced a very rare noise last night as a military plane broke the sound barrier and immediately collided with a meteorite entering Earth’s atmosphere, then both landed atop a well-known meth house causing a secondary explosion. “I heard it at my pappy’s house down in Nixa, never thought I’d […]
KY3 Trades Jacob to KSPR for Draft Picks, Cash
Springfield, MO – KYTV has announced a trade to sister station KSPR this week involving on air talent Jerry Jacob and Joe Daues that includes first round draft picks and cash considerations. Terms of the deal have not been finalized but details have emerged exclusively for our readers. “Most people aren’t aware of the January […]
Home Schoolers Get Snow Day Shaft
Springfield, MO – For the second school day in a row, home school students are stuck inside their classrooms not able to go outside and enjoy the snow while Springfield Public School scholars are free to make snowmen, sled and pound each other with snowballs. “Seriously, I gotta stay inside again and study while the […]
Customized Tank Shop Coming to Town!
Republic, MO – The city of Republic has announced that a $4.8 million manufacturing plant being built there should create 77 new jobs to construct awesome customized tanks. Sherlock Metal Masters, a company that designs and fabricates custom tanks with a variety of options including chop tops, show-stopping suicide-style, gull-wing or flip-up doors, custom grill, […]
Drone Prostitute Delivery Tested in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Local pimp daddy Le Freak Mosho’ has announced that 3 months of drone delivery testing has proved successful and delivery of his ho’s might be available to the general public in as little as 14 months. The Federal Aviation Administration needs to sign off on the proposed flight plans, and Mosho’ says […]
