All Entries Tagged With: "parody"
Block of OTC morning-after pill sparks outrage
Springfield, Mo. – On the eve of final exam week, hundreds of angry instructors and students at Ozarks Technical Community College (OTC) gathered on the campus plaza and other areas to protest the school’s ban of a medication designed to deaden the feelings of loss and despair associated with final exams. Protesters said the action […]
Springfield Cardinals Extends Offer to Pujols
Springfield, MO – Jumping into the Albert Pujols race at the last minute is the local Texas League AA affiliate, the Springfield Cardinals. Following the revelation that the Miami Marlins dropped out of the race, the little Cards decided that they should join the Chicago Cubs, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and St. Louis Cardinals […]
More Time to Text & Driving During Bad Weather
Springfield, MO – Drivers experienced more time to text and drive on Tuesday as a slight dusting of snow snarled traffic to a standstill on most major thoroughfares. Barely 1/8” of God’s powder covered city streets signaling the all-clear for creeping vehicle speeds, over-cautious braking and snail’s pace right-hand turns. “Effing shoot me in the […]
Local Gnome Humping Spree Spreads Gonorrhea
Springfield, MO – According to the Springfield Greene County Health Department, gonorrhea cases have increased a whopping 20% over the last month. Experts have identified the Gono-Gnome as the disease transmitter – a small sexually active beast that attacks teenagers, young adults and African Americans with little regard for safety or personal hygiene. […]
Skepticon Leaders Pray for Good Attendance This Weekend
Springfield, MO – Leaders for the atheist group sponsoring the 4th annual Skepticon convention this weekend at the Gillioz are praying to God that they’ll have another good turnout. “Sweet Jesus, please make our event a success,” claimed one leader, hands clasped and kneeling before a makeshift temple of crucifixes and lit candles. For […]
Occupy McDonald’s Group Demands McRib
Springfield, MO – McDonalds confirms to FCN that a group of five known as Occupy McDonalds has been loitering in the lobby of the Cherry Street location since November 1, when it was learned that the McRib was to be discontinued again. Occupy McD’s Spokesperson Greg tells FCN, “For a long time we have […]
Strafford Schools Adopt Chupacabra as School Mascot
Strafford, MO – After the recent capture of the mythical creature and cryptozoological wonder, the Chupacabra, Strafford school district has decided to adopt the creature as their newest mascot. “Known as the donkey-sucker, we thought it would be the perfect intimidation factor when we play our opponents on the athletic field or on the […]
DRURY BUYS MSU’S EXCESS WATER
Springfield MO.- Drury University announced today that it will purchase water from Missouri State University for 30 years at a price of 12 million dollars per year. Apparently MSU can afford to sell off its excess water since filtered water stations have sprung up all over campus. Water researchers have indicated that more of […]
Marshall Law Declared When Chaos Reigns Due to 2.99 Gas
Springfield, MO- The Missouri National Guard responded to Springfield citizens who gave into their darkest, most savage nature when gas prices dropped below $3.00 a gallon this week. With prices so low Springfieldians turned on family, friends, strangers, and societal order to fill their tanks for 5 cents less a gallon. The gas-crazy mob […]
Shooting Range Hosts Gangsta Day
Ash Grove, MO – The Andy Dalton shooting range is vying to attract more urban sportsman by holding its first annual “Gangsta Days”. Younger shooters are increasingly hard to come by and the “Gansta Days” event is targeted at the youth of the Ozarks. “Inner city kids relate to Jay-Z, 50 Cent, and […]
“Poison Hy-Vee” Spreads Through the Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Thousands of Ozarkians have been infected with a disease commonly known as “Poison Hy-Vee”, a mild form of curiosity preceded by high amounts of anticipation and feverishly high expectations. “Oh, man, I can’t wait to go to the new Hy-Vee store on Battlefield Street,” said Norma Jillonsap as she scratched her […]
Netflix Buys Major Video, Focuses on VHS Rentals
Springfield, MO – Attempting to please its Ozarks customer base, Netflix has announced the purchase of Major Video on Glenstone street to serve as a brick and mortar storefront allowing for casual VHS rentals. The news comes just days after Netflix identified sister company Qwikster as an awful idea spawned from the head of […]
New Gerber Baby Blows $50,000
Springfield, MO – After winning the National Gerber Baby contest, eleven month old Nate Stuffington has blown through his winning prize money in a matter of days. Blinged out binkies, gold-lined diapers, and radical plastic surgery has consumed the less-than-yearlings’ earnings. According to sources, he even purchased his parents a vacation home in Aspen, CO […]
