All Entries Tagged With: "parody"
Cashew Chicken 3D Printer Developed
Springfield, MO – The growing demand for cashew chicken has spawned a new invention; the 3D cashew chicken printer. The new technology will be responsible for feeding thousands of patrons in the Ozarks area at local restaurants and promises to be a source of value for diners at home. “I was always a fan of […]
Yoga Classes Land at SGF Airport
Springfield, MO – Stretching and uncomfortable poses will be encouraged at the Springfield-Branson National Airport this week as new instruction-guided yoga classes will be offered to passengers. The new programming is intended to provide relaxation to customers either before or after flight. “I am so excited that we’ll have a chance to relax in the […]
Barker in Branson
The appearance of Price is Right legend Bob Barker in town included a visit to ‘The Price is Right Live’ in Branson. Barker commented, “When I heard they hired Jerry Springer to do my show live in Branson, I needed to give him some pointers on how to do the show right. I whipped [Drew] […]
“Mom-Seat-Belt” Formed Across The Ozarks
Springfield, MO – In a touching show of motherly support, thousands of people aged 2 to 92 extended their right arm across the person’s chest to the right of them, thereby forming the largest mom-seat-belt chain in the world. The mom-seat-belt stretched nearly 19 miles and ran from downtown Springfield to the square in Ozark, […]
Neon Banking Sign Lights Up Lofts
Springfield, MO – Several downtown loft dwellers were upset following the opening of the Great Southern branch across the street from their building, its neon sign lighting up the night and shining checking offers through their bedroom windows. “At first I was disgusted by the sign, it was so annoying. I couldn’t sleep so I […]
Irresponsible Parents Flock to Parks Department’s Parents Night Out Program
Springfield, MO – The Parks Department has been flooded with request from irresponsible parents looking to drop their children off at the next event. Most inquires have consisted of calls from moms and dads who are seeking legal separation from their children that are imposing upon their lifestyles. “If you could…um…y’know take my kid for […]
Decay Billboard Sends Powerful Message
Springfield, MO – A natural force known only as “decay” has reserved space on a right side north bound view billboard on Kansas Expressway. The purpose: to send a message that rot, corrosion and deterioration are constantly engaging in a war against humanity and we should always be prepared for decay no matter how subtle […]
Tornado Update: “Definitely, Maybe”
Local forecasters in the Ozarks have taken up a new mantra for the wild and wacky weather system currently taking up residence over Southwest Missouri. “We’re upgrading the chances of severe weather to “Definitely, Maybe” over most of the listening area along with upgrading Dallas County to “Absolutely Possibly Likely” at this time” said local […]
Free Crowd Concussions Provided at Rugby Match
Springfield, MO – To commemorate the dedicated fans of Springfield Rugby Club, free concussions will be provided at this weekend’s last spring season game. After the match, players will make themselves available in a touch-and-feel scab booth where spectators can run their hands over scabbed knees, elbows and foreheads to better understand and appreciate the […]
Beard Fight Night!
Springfield, MO – The fourth annual Queen City Beard & Moustache Federation Competition will be held this Saturday and a new competitive event features dueling beards in cage fights to the shearing. The main event will pit two competitors against each other, beards outfitted with blades, clippers and shears in hand. First man to shave […]
Math Event Attended by “Lots” and “Many” Students
Springfield, MO – More than a lot of high school students participated in the math skills test hosted by Missouri State University this week. Too many to count put their calculating on display by participating in a little more than a dozen individual and team events. “I’d say many, many students participated. It was really […]
MSU To Springfield: Hey, We Do Stuff Too
Springfield, MO- Even though the Drury Panthers wowed the Ozarks with their nail biting victory over Metro State, Missouri State University is proclaiming to Springfield: “Hey, we did stuff on Sunday, too.” “Oh, so they run some championship, big deal,” says sophomore Larry Harshman. “I just played like 30 matches on Halo 3, but you […]
Drury Championship Movie in Works
Springfield, MO- With the Drury Panthers winning the NCAA Division II championship, Hollywood is scrambling to make their Cinderella story to the silver screen. Universal has already bought the rights and top writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtz man (of Transformers fame) are penning the action pack, thrill ride script. “We are really kicking it […]
Large Red Blob Threatening Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Meteorologists are reporting across the region of a looming, red blob that will enter our area on Tuesday and hang around causing unknown damage and other things. The red blob was first reported by meteorologist Hans Zeenit who proclaimed “Red mass…headed to….Ozarks” before collapsing from fear. Speculators are speculating that the red […]
Springfield City Sales Tax Continuation Reveals Horrifying Fine Print
Springfield, MO- Days after 74% of voters approved a sales tax continuation, law makers discovered small text that shows an insidious and terrifying side to the proposition. Although the continuation was said to improve Republic Road, the construction was also to release unspeakable evil. “We thought it was cut and dry until we say the […]
