All Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"
Man Jumps from Tower Theater – Breaks No Records
Springfield, MO – Henry Figerson decided to base-jump from the tip-top of the Tower Theater this week to celebrate his daredevil lifestyle. Climbing an un-towering 42-feet into the air, Figerson looked out over the land he was about to conquer and someday dreamed of being paid for somewhat life threatening stunts. “Ah, yeah, I guess […]
Scooby Doo and “McGruff The Crime Dog” Debate Marijuana
Springfield, MO- With a spirited debate taking place in City Hall about the marijuana, Springfield may be next to get the “munchies”. Because of the new discrimination law being addressed the Ozarks may be feel a public debate will help the public see both sides of the issues. The debate will be between two famous […]
Claire McCaskill Plays Hooky From DNC
St. Petersburg, MO- Claire McCaskill decided to play hooky with her friends than go to the “totally boring” snooze feast of the DNC. Senior members of the democratic party are very disappointed in the irresponsible actions of the precocious youth. Claire was not available for comment and allegedly causing mischief all over the Ozarks. The […]
Naked Man Found in Clothing Donation Bin
Springfield, MO – This past Tuesday a totally naked man was found hiding inside a clothing donation bin waiting for a nice-fitting outfit to drop in on him. After a quick database search the man was identified as Larry Lapp, who has a history of gambling. Police officer Gabby Rook said, “We found Lapp inside […]
NFL Uses Replacement Fans
Springfield, MO – The National Football League will open the regular season with replacement fans in the Ozarks on opening day. League executives told the 32 teams that negotiations remain at a standstill between the NFL and the officials’ union, prompting fans to be replaced week 1. The replacement fans will be in the stands […]
Springfield Up in Smoke
Springfield, MO – Springfield’s city council voted to pass an ordinance that would minimize the penalty for marijuana possession this week, opening the door to smoke-outs, ganja jungles, blunt block parties and year-round bud seasons. When asked about the measure, city council members used numerous mentions of “man”, “like” and “dude” while answering reporter questions, […]
City Builds Fountain to Water Conservation
Springfield, MO – With precious water reserves plummeting, City officials have agreed to build a fountain which will remind citizens of the importance of water conservation. The fountain will be a symbol of preservation. “We’ll pump 80-thousand gallons of water through the fountain each hour to remind citizens that water conservation should be taken seriously,” […]
Parents Rejoice After Dropping School Kids Off
Springfield, MO – The first day of school signals the beginning of individual freedoms for thousands of Ozarks parents across the city. August 15 brings absolute independence from 9-3 Monday – Friday and many parents are eager to taste the sweet liberty that secondary education offers. “F’ yeah – let’s all go to White Water, […]
Drought Causes Sub Par Crop Circles
Xantrax, Alpha Prime System- With the worse drought since 1988 causing numerous corn crops to wither and die, Missouri farmers are heading for hard times. But, the farmers are not the only victims of the drought: aliens from the farthest reaches of the universe are coming to the Ozarks finding that dying corn is not […]
Drought Aid Concert Announced in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Willie Nelson, John Mellencamp and Neil Young are planning a benefit concert the event and plan to play a with included Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, B.B. King, Roy Orbison, among others at the Springfield Little Theatre. Sponsors include Wil Fischer, Springfield Brewing Company, Hy-Vee, J. Parrino’s Queen City Grille and Springfield Family […]
Train Robbery Averted Near Branson, MO
Branson, MO – According to multiple eye witnesses, two men attempted to rob a passenger train yesterday. The would-be thieves requested any and all gold, silver and precious metals while terrifying many train passengers. “From what I could tell, the robbers stood on the tracks and flagged down the train, which I wasn’t even sure […]
Silver Dollar City Goes Through De-Monstering For Kids Festival
Branson, MO- With Silver Dollar City’s Kidsfest in full swing, many preparations are being made. Rides are being tested, candy is being cottonized, big name stars like “Backyardigans and Sponge Bob” are being catered with their every need, and monsters are being destroyed. “Kid’s safety is the number one priority here at Silver Dollar City […]
Flip-book of Approaching Storm Now Available
Springfield, MO – Local meteorologists and news stations have commemorated yesterday’s weather activity with a novelty flip-book now available at any area news station front desk. Tired of settling for convenient digital solutions the Ozarks news crew bonded together to produce a 142-page graphic representation of the approaching storm clouds in a paper medium. “Seriously, […]
Teachers Prepare for Summer Hibernation
Springfield, MO- With the school year rapidly ending, teachers from across the Ozarks are getting ready for their yearly 3 month hibernation. As most teacherologist and general populace know, teachers have no life other than school so when summer vacation comes around they are no longer needed until the next school year. During this time […]
Gritty Archie Remake to be Filmed at Local High School
Springfield, MO- Some lucky Springfield High School students may be able to get their 10 minutes of fame thanks to Paramount Studio’s Archie reboot which is being filmed in the Ozarks. The shooting of the movie, which will take place in late May, will bring big stars to the area such as James Garfield, Diana […]
