All Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"
Gillioz Auction Conducted Via Reality Talent Show
Springfield, MO – The forthcoming auction of the Gillioz Theatre has interesting stipulations surrounding the protocol around purchasing the property: bidders must perform on stage and be voted and selected by a national audience. Similar to reality show such as The X Factor, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, participants in the auction will […]
Downtown Preacher to Address Court with Microphone and Amplifier
Springfield, MO – Described as noisy, annoying and filled with the obnoxious spirit, one downtown preacher has received at least seven tickets for disturbing the peace and plans to represent himself with his self-proclaimed talent for rhetoric coupled with an amplifier and microphone. “This preacher likely saw the Sham-wow guy and thought, ‘hey, I too […]
Veterinarians Day Parade Attracts Hundreds of Animals
Springfield, MO – Springfield’s First Annual Veterinarians Day parade took place on Saturday and was attended by several people and non-humans to show their support for the profession. The 1.5-mile route, which started at Grand Street and South Avenue, was lined by companion animals, livestock, zoo animals and other vets. Duane Dolittle, a vet specializing […]
Casper’s New Chilly Summer Menu Unveiled!
Springfield, MO – Thanks to a new ownership, and a new air conditioner unit, iconic downtown diner Casper’s Chili Parlor is preparing to deliver summertime chili to Ozarks area chili aficionados. For years, chili-chumps have had to endure months of agonizing pain waiting for cooler weather to satisfy their quest for the elusive chili-cabra satisfaction. […]
National Parks Reopen: Deer, Turkey, Wildlife Return to Work
Springfield, MO – Following the reopening of the Federal government, wildlife across the Ozarks have returned to work at parks across the region. Thousands of Ozarks animals were furloughed during the shutdown and many were happy to return to their normal lives. “I was so sick of not working…staying in the cave with about 40 […]
GD Home Restoration Accurately Named
Springfield, MO – Local signage has struck a chord with homeowners looking for restoration, goddammit. GD Home Restorations is recognized as one company that is willing to put the frustrations of home renovations on their shingle, one salty curse word abbreviation at a time. “I saw the sign and thought ‘at least they know what […]
Shepherd of the Hills Expressway to Close
Branson, MO – In a strange coincidence, The Shepherd of the Hills Expressway will close in a few weeks, around the same time as the last Shepherd of the Hills Outdoor Theatre performance. Citing a rise in insurance, maintenance costs and an increase in elderly drivers, the SotH Expressway will close on Oct. 19th. “The […]
Stairway to Heaven Under Construction
Springfield, MO – Attempting to build a direct portal to the heavens, a construction crew on National south of Battlefield is continuing progress to build a ladder to the Almighty’s front door. The project is scheduled to be completed by Christmas and will attain a final height of 500 miles tall. “So, this is a […]
President Obama Weighs in on Kewpies Mascot Name
Columbia, MO – President Barack Obama says he would “think about changing” the Hickman Kewpies’ mascot name if he went to school there as he waded into the controversy involving a word many consider offensive to naked babies everywhere. Obama, in an interview with The Associated Press, said school names such as the Kewpies offend […]
Solar Farmers Market Hits the Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Area residents are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Missouri’s largest solar energy farm late next spring and the Solar Famers Market that it will provide. After it’s built on 40 acres in eastern Greene County, the five-megawatt project between Springfield and Strafford will be the hippest place to pick up solar-powered […]
Mail-Order Bride Expo
Springfield, MO – This weekend saw a Mail-Order Bride section added to the popular event held at the Springfield Exposition Center on Saint Louis Street. Admission was $5.00 but purchasing a wife was much more expensive. “We’ve always wanted to enhance our bridal experience and this year we added several new bridal gowns, floral arrangements […]
Law Enforcement Surprised Ozarks Actually Imports Meth
Springfield, MO – Police officials are puzzled by a new study which shows that the Ozarks are actually a major importer of the addictive drug known on the street as Meth. Said one source, “to be honest, we thought we were a pretty major exporter.” The news was alarming to exporters as well. “I thought […]
Ozarks Dutch Oven Group Enjoys Trapping Farts
Springfield, MO – With a simple sheet and a few grunts and gasses, members of the Ozarks Dutch Oven Group are making memories and sharing a pastime activity that reaches back hundreds of years. The act of trapping a person under bed covers after releasing vile butt fumes, known as the Dutch oven, was important […]
Springfield Cardinals to Play Nixa
Springfield, MO – In a community outreach program, the Springfield Cardinals will play a loosely assembled team fielded by the city of Nixa. The Nixa participants have been identified through a local talent search and include everyday people such as Lance Figaroo, a cable repairman. “I’ve always wanted to play on that field and now […]
Roddick Plays Both Sides of Court: Wins/Defeats Self
Springfield, MO – During a Springfield Lasers exhibition match last night, former world number 1 American tennis player Andy Roddick took to both sides of the court to play against himself to the delight of the fans. “When he walked out we all applauded, then he went to serve and he was the only person […]
