All Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"
Driver Refused to Diverge
Springfield, MO – Local driver Lars Timber lost his cool last week when he intentionally refused to swing left at an upcoming diverging diamond interchange on S. Kansas Expressway. The act of defiance could have cost him or others their life, but fortunately the deed took place around 2 am when traffic was low. “I […]
Netflix Down to Four Subscribers, Yet 18,000 Users in Southwest Missouri
Springfield, MO – Netflix released their quarterly subscription numbers and the Southwest Missouri region is down to just four people actually paying for a subscription to the online movie streaming service. “It’s baffling,” says Netflix CEO, Reed Hatings. “We suspect the users might be sharing their passwords. We understand that is part of how it […]
Guide Spews Lies During Local Tour
Springfield, MO – Recent complaints have poured into the Missouri Department of Tourism following a guided tour by Southern Tours that included several prominent Springfield landmarks and points of interest. Several complaints were directed at the tour guide, known only as Terry the Tour Guide. “I grew up in this area and I’ve never heard […]
Geese Kill Man in Gang Related Retaliation
Springfield, MO – In what city leaders fear may escalate into all out interspecies gang warfare, a man, Charles Donald, 45, was found dead in his yard, the victim of an apparent honk-by. Five geese were seen by witnesses walking by the yard, then attacking with wings and beaks ablazing. The geese immediately flew off […]
Man on Square Relays Wisdom to Anyone Willing to Listen
Springfield, MO – Local man Olaf Pendergrass has been dispensing nuggets of knowledge to anyone willing to listen as they pass through the square each afternoon from 3-5 pm. The jewels of wisdom vary from common factoids to introspective riddles. “The first time I saw Pendergrass, he looked at me and said, ‘Tardy fish eat […]
Germans Deny SBC Märzen Gold World Beer Cup Win
Springfield, MO – Following an unprecedented victory in Denver, Colorado where the Springfield Brewing Company took the International Gold World Beer Cup in the Märzen category over several rival brewers, German participants are officially denying any such victory ever happened. The Springfield Brewing Company team went up against storied breweries who have a combined brewing […]
Mike the Intern
May is here. Finals are coming up, the kids are getting ready to get out of school and you are wondering why in the hell you don’t get a summer vacation like everyone else. Well you might not get a vaca but I can help you start one hell of a summer soundtrack. Bryan Adams […]
“Dot Com Parking” Now Available For Some Reason
Springfield, MO – The local Home Depot store has introduced a prestigious parking spot on their lot labeled “Dot Com Parking” displayed on an old piece of wood stuck in a bucket. Several questions arose around the newly christened piece of pavement none of which were more pressing than ‘what does one do in Dot […]
Colored Egg Rolls Highlight SGF Cashew Chicken Heritage
Springfield, MO – In an attempt to shine a light on a native cuisine, Springfield residents are coloring Easter egg rolls this month in honor of the Cashew Chicken dish created in this city. The Easter egg rolls are dyed multiple colors to resemble the more traditional Easter Egg. An Easter Egg Roll Hunt is […]
Crossfit…
Well, I have been gone for a while but I’m back. I have been training for the upcoming summer season. Its that time of year in which you have to get ready for the lake or pool and you want to appear fit. There are a number of ways to do so as we are […]
Caged People Fed By Animals
Strafford, MO – Organizers at Wild Animal Safari have announced a new tour that encourages patrons to sit in a cage and be fed by the wild animals on site. The change is in response to the USDA ruling that visitors to the park may no longer fed animals from their vehicles. “We strive to […]
KC Chimps Escape Highway Shooter
Kansas City, MO – Seven chimpanzees attempted to escape the area to avoid random shootings that have been plaguing the area for several weeks. The chimps successfully used a tree limp to escape the Kansas City Zoo, but were apprehended with food and the promise of improved security. “The chimps have a valid point. I […]
St. Louis Arch Adds McDonalds To Observatory
Springfield, MO – Local McDonald’s franchisee Dom Kittles announced that his company secured the rights to place a restaurant in the top of St. Louis’ Gateway Arch and plans to open this summer. The contract came as a surprise to Kittles who considered his business as a longshot for the opportunity. “The news was great, […]
Diverging Diamond Necklace Unveiled at Justice Jewelers
Springfield, MO – Responding to consumers’ demand, and nodding to the unique traffic solutions employed around town, a local jeweler has recently unveiled the Diverging Diamond Necklace. The necklace pays homage to the diverging diamonds found in several Ozarks intersections. “We wanted to celebrate a traffic win for our area. We were the first to […]
College Station Gravel Museum Celebrates Seven Year Anniversary
Springfield, MO – Touted as one of the premiere gravel museums in the world, College Station Gravel Museum in downtown Springfield, plans to celebrate tonight with an open house free to the public. “It’s hard to imagine that it has been seven years,” says curator, Scott Fillmen. “When we opened back in 2007 our goal […]
