All Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"
Body Hair Competition This Weekend
Springfield, MO—The first ever Body Hair Competition will be held at Patton Alley Pub immediately after the first ever Springfield Beard and Moustache Competition at 6:30 pm, here in the Ozarks. The Body Hair Competition was created for contestants who are not equipped with enough facial hair to compete in the headlining event. Body Hair […]
New Ziggie’s Opens in Basement
Springfield, MO—According to sources, a new Ziggie’s restaurant has opened in the basement of Randolph Heckerson’s home at 2348 S. Tucker. The new location will feature the same trademark menu and atmosphere as existing restaurants currently in operation around the Ozarks. According to Heckerson he found the business after returning home from work as an […]
Tramp Stamp Radio Station Bangs the Hits
Springfield, MO—Local radio station, 104.7 The Cave has rebranded themselves as the “Tramp Stamp” radio station. Billboard across the Ozarks invite listeners to tune in to hear rock bands inked right above lovely ladies’ backsides. Common lore indicates that the bigger the tramp stamp, the bigger the classic rock band (and an increased correlation of […]
Obama Beer Summit for O’Neal, Hornaday
Springfield, MO— In an attempt to calm city tensions, President Obama has invited Mayor Jim O’Neal and retiree Jim Hornaday to a beer summit held at the Springfield Brewing Company. A local debate on city spending occurred after O’Neal and Hornaday exchanged heated emails. Hornady inquired how “our new Mayor would…steam out the wrinkles” in […]
New Downtown Club “Voodru” Opens
Springfield, MO—The Ozarks newest nightclub, Voodru, opened this past weekend amid the Mardi Gras bar crawl. The club is located in the Woodruff building in downtown Springfield at St. Louis Street and Jefferson Avenue. The Woodruff Building, originally opened February 1, 1911, has seen several businesses come and go including local lawyer offices and the […]
Unknown Energy Sphere Seen Over Springfield
Springfield, MO—Local residents were alarmed yesterday by the presence of a large gaseous sphere hovering over the Ozarks’ skies yesterday. Many Springfieldians reported temporary blindness and momentary confusion while glancing at the heavens. “This is a land of gloom, clouds and semidarkness. We’re not supposed to have exposure to this kind of thing…this sunshine. We […]
Chili Cook-off Releases Giant Fart-Plagues City
Springfield, MO—A grotesque stench filled the Ozarks after the 29th annual Sertoma Club’s chili cook-off propelled a great brown cloud of turd-flavored air into the atmosphere. The Springfield Expo Center was exposed to the most foul and most expected form of gaseous discharge as dozens of local vendors gathered together to prepare gastro-igniting chili dishes […]
Counterfeit $22 Bills Passed Around Springfield
SPRINGFIELD, MO—The Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind continues to wreak havoc on the Ozarks local economy. Springfield police have confirmed multiple cases of counterfeit cash being passed in the Ozarks already in 2010. Detectives claim they’ve made several arrests but Duece-Duece counterfeit mastermind is still at large. According to police sketches, the Duece-Duece counterfeiter is a bald […]
HGTV Host Applauds Lawrence County Pink Jail Motif
Mt. Vernon, MO—With great fanfare, HGTV’s Color Splash mega-star and host David Bromstad, has singled out the recently remodeled Lawrence County Missouri jail’s all pink theme as “….bold, daring, and just a bit little naughty.” The idea of going all pink was the brainchild of Sheriff Brad Delay who cited hard data suggesting “…pink has […]
Groundhog Day Celebrated via Rotisserie
Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers will celebrate Groundhog Day by feasting upon the weather-predicting varmint. Chewy yet nutritious, the humble groundhog has been feeding families in the area for decades. “Used to be we have to go out hunting for the animal, now-a-days we can find them along a side of the road or hiding under […]
Obese Triplets Rob Three Banks, Fool Police
Rolla, MO—In what was initially thought to be the same man robbing three banks, Missouri law enforcement have identified the “Truffle Shuffle Gang” as a dangerous group of fleshy felons. The endomorphic criminal element took police on, “a ride we’ll never forget,” according to Moberly City Policeman, Kevin Diggs. “We thought it was just one […]
Crippling Winter Storm Placed on Cancellation List
Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers awoke to a disappointing morning of little snowfall accumulation this morning. According to news reports this area was expecting 8-12 inches of snow prompting school, business and social cancellations. “I was planning to take off from work, read a book and watch a few movies, but now thanks to Mother Nature […]
Wednesday Weather Chart = Trippy Forecast
Springfield, MO—A local newsman blew several viewers minds by showing a radar screen filled with psychedelic images symbolizing Wednesday’s weather patterns. Cries of “whoa”, “maaaaan” and “dude” were heard in living rooms across the Ozarks. One viewer, Moonbeam Johnston said, “I saw like a beautiful unicorn soar across the sky during the weather report and […]
MLK Celebrated with 24-Hour Sale!
Springfield, MO—January 18th marks a day of social awareness, great sacrifice and fantastic deals now through closing at local retail stores. On this day people of all ages and backgrounds will come together to improve lives by spending less on goods they likely don’t need but would purchase at full retail prices any other time […]
Mystery Hour Replaces Tonight Show on KY3
Springfield, MO—Citing a need to improve ratings for local late-night news, KY3 has announced that The Mystery Hour will replace The Tonight Show following the Winter Olympics. Sources say the “Leno effect” played havoc with many of NBC‘s more than 200 affiliates, where Leno’s weaker “lead-in” is undermining audiences of 10 p.m. newscasts. News programs […]
