All Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"
Dogs Benefit From New Hydrant Color
Springfield, MO—Neighborhood dogs are getting an upgrade that no one would have expected thanks to local firefighters efforts to make fire hydrants more visible. Teams are currently working to repaint all 7,000 hydrants with a brighter, more reflective paint, which will improve urinal locations for all canines. “I’m just so excited that the City is […]
Billy Long Gets Well Fed, Fed Up
Springfield, MO—Missouri’s 7th Congressional District hopeful Billy Long ate another meal and possibly made new political friends at the same time. According to Billy it went like this. “I was on a doughnut run for my staff when I came upon this group called the Well Fed Neighborhood Alliance. I thought it was an offshoot of […]
Sufjan Stevens Writes “Missouri” Music Album
Springfield, MO – Indie-pop/folk musician Sufjan Stevens has announced that he is continuing his “50 States Project” with an upcoming concept album about the state of Missouri. In an attempt to write and release an album about each state, Stevens will follow his “Greetings from Michigan!” and “Come on Feel the Illinoise” albums with “Missouri […]
Pythian Castle Ghosts Seek License to Haunt
Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Pythian Castle was officially certified as a haunted location; now the castle owner, Linda Finny, says the spooks are taking the next steps to achieve full licensing. “Certification was a long tedious process, but it is essential to earning a full license to haunt,” said Finny. “Paranormal activities in the castle […]
Nelly Claims Grand Palace Too “Hot in Herre”
Branson, MO—Cornell Haynes, Jr., better known as Nelly, had planned to perform an outdoor concert in the Grand Palace parking lot August 21st before the City of Branson turned down a permit for the event. Having visited the Grand Palace, Nelly claimed the theatre was “getting hot in here” and preferred to have an outdoor […]
Man Dies of Good Health
Springfield, MO – A local man was found dead Thursday outside the Roughage Mart health food store on National Street after collapsing from too much health. Wayne Abcruncher, 46, was found by Roughage Mart employee Ashli Wheemonger upon her arrival for work Thursday morning. She said that Abcruncher had been a longtime customer and a […]
Lady Gaga To Headline Annual I Love America Celebration
Springfield, MO – James River Assembly stunned local church watchers today announcing Lady Gaga as the headliner for next years’ I Love America annual celebration. A volunteer spokesperson for the Super-Center sized church said, “Lady Gaga was snatched from the jaws of drug addition by her dearly beloved dead Aunt Joanne and she has a […]
Woody Does Justice to Entrepreneurial Spirit
Springfield, MO – Jeweler (by personal request) to The Ozarks, Woody Justice, recently designed and introduced a new line of revolutionary engagement jewelry featuring the Ball and Chain Pendant. “This concept, developed right here at our Springfield store, puts a whole new spin on the contemporary marriage scene.” Justice proclaimed. “With so many guys unwilling […]
Local Boyfriend’s Weekend Revolves Around Vampires
Springfield, MO- Tom Ragsdale’s, a local boyfriend to Jessica Swanson, entire weekend will be dedicated to the undead thanks to his girlfriend’s love affair with the blood drinkers. “Oh my gosh I am so excited. We are going to see Eclipse on Friday! We are even wearing matching T-Shirts,” exclaimed Jessica to her girlfriend over […]
Hooligans at Gastropub Consume Packaged Foods
Springfield, MO—After watching Germany beat England, hooligans demonstrated their displeasure at Farmers Gastropub by consuming processed foods flown in from around the country. The pub opened early for World Cup fans and the owners had no idea that hooligans would disrupt the restaurant after such a poor showing among the English soccer team. Said one […]
Auto Magic Turns Subaru into Mercedes
Springfield, MO—A car wash customer has witnessed a modern-day miracle at a local wash-rinse-and-go business. Luell Johnagain drove his 1989 Subaru GL AWD Turbo Wagon and drove off with a Mercedes V10 Quad Turbo with a body made of white gold. All who witnessed the automotive magic were stunned and left in utter disbelief. According […]
Commuter Drives Speed Limit
Springfield, MO—Local commuter Keith Jonas was seen making a statement to the Springfield community at large. And that statement was “I’m driving the speed limit”. Many interpreted that statement to be the equivalent of a giant middle finger, since it is an unwritten law that you are expected to be going 10-35 mph over the […]
Naked Cooling Center at Ice Park
Springfield, MO—Mediacom Ice Park opened to the general public today as a cooling center due to the heat advisory in Southwest Missouri. Those wishing to take advantage of the cooler temperatures were encouraged to strip off their clothing and sit on the freshly Zambonied ice rink. Hundreds of people showed up to take advantage of […]
Tiny Circuses Pop Up Around Town
Springfield, MO—A curious amount of small multi-colored tents have popped up around the Ozarks prompting much anticipation among citizens for the arrival of travelling companies filled with performers such as acrobats, clowns, trained animals, trapeze acts, musicians, hoopers, tightrope walkers, jugglers, unicyclists and other stunt-oriented artists. “I can’t wait to see these little circuses. Or […]
Local Men Claim “Worlds Best Dad” Title
Springfield, Mo- Adding to an already intense holiday weekend, there appears to be a close contest for the title of “Best Dad”. Three local Ozarks men appear to be in a heated head-to-head battle for the coveted title. Each was awarded the title when they received as gifts from their children a mug/t-shirt combo with […]
