All Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"
City Residents To Get Porta-Potties
Springfield MO—In an effort to help the city of Springfield make money when people use the toilet, Porta-Potties will soon be in everyone’s front yards. “The city loses money every time someone flushes the toilet,” commented City Manager Greg Burris. “We did not want to dump on another tax increase to people even though we […]
Biden Visit “Big Effin’ Deal”
Springfield, MO—On Thursday Vice President Joe Biden was greeted by Springfield residents with a huge banner that read “Have a nice Effin’ Visit”. Biden, who will attend a private fundraiser for Senate hopeful Robin Carnahan (D), has only a few hours scheduled in the Ozarks before he zips off to another campaign stop in Seattle, […]
Deer Warn of Upcoming Motorist Season
Springfield, MO—Not surprisingly, Missouri leads the nation in vehicle-deer collisions says Buck Muntjac. There are about four million motorists in the state, and a lot of people gather in urban areas where there is a lot of grazing, the humanist with the Springfield Human Studies Center said. That means there are plenty of opportunities for […]
Customer Report: Pizza Less than Incredible
Breaking News Springfield, MO – Local curmudgeon Jeffery Owings has a bone to pick – with Incredible Pizza. “I went to this allegedly Incredible Pizza the other day. I had expectations, let me tell you. And guess what? They weren’t met, no sir. Not in the least. The pizza was far from incredible. It was, […]
Bed Bugs Bite; MSU Tuck-Ins Awesome
Springfield, MO—Missouri State University is addressing a growing pest concern by offering a “tuck-in” service for all students who are fighting with bed bugs. According to sources, a residence advisor will visit dorm rooms that are reporting pest problems, tuck each student into bed and recite the phrase, “sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs […]
Ozarkers Burn Cashew Chicken in Protest
Springfield, MO—Local Ozarkers are turning up the heat to pressure Rev. Terry Jones, the head of a small Florida church, who plans to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11th. Several southwest Missourians plan to protest Jones’ radical plan by incinerating something close to their hearts: Springfield-style cashew chicken. “I think if you sacrifice […]
The Fair…
Although I dread going, every year I find myself there…the fair. It is not a pleasant experience but yet somehow thousands of people flock to this virtual hell hole every year. They bring their friends, their neighbors, their livestock, their neighbors livestock and pretty much anyone who will come. The fair somehow supersedes reality by […]
New Texting Lane Opens On 65 HWY
Greene County, MO— Driving south on highway 65 became easier over the weekend as the Missouri Department of Transportation opened the countries first 12 miles of the new texting lane from Interstate 44 in Springfield to Highway CC in Ozark. The controversial new stretch of road was opened at midnight on Sunday to avoid excessive […]
Man Finds Fecal Landmine in Backyard
Springfield, MO—A local man found an explosive landmine in his backyard while mowing his lawn this past weekend. Justin Humble, of southern Springfield, claimed he hit the thin dog dirt grenade with his riding lawnmower, but didn’t realize it until several feet later. “Yeah, it was a minute before the effects took hold, I could […]
Rountree Historical Homes Tour Adds Trailer Court Addresses
Springfield, MO – In what could only be seen as a munificent gesture to reach out to the other side of Division Street, Springfield’s lauded Rountree Historical Homes Tour is expanding its ability to evoke oohs and ahs this year by adding several addresses from the Quarry View Trailer Court on West Chestnut Expressway. “It’s […]
Hipster Discovers He is a Hipster
Springfield, MO—Last weekend local hipster, Seth Trenton, was crushed to discover that he was, in fact, a hipster. Friends reported that Trenton was socializing at The Outland Bar before heading to one of his friend’s house shows, when, all of a sudden, he dropped his PBR to the floor and ran out crying. “No, he […]
Mannish Hula Dancer Lures Unsuspecting Customers
Springfield, MO—For 24 years, a local frozen treat wagon has employed a hauntingly mannish hula dancer, with enchanting dance moves and gyrations, to lure passing drivers to stop and purchase “whips” to nosh upon after the distracted drivers wreck their vehicles. According to lore, the dancing hula man-thing has distracted thousand of drivers to the […]
Ice Cream Man, Dentists in Cahoots?
Springfield, MO—According to sources, one particular ice cream man, identified as Dave, has been setting up shop outside a local dentist office, apparently trying to rot potential patients’ teeth. “Y’know it looks real suspicious when the local dentist’s office has an ice cream man parked out front. I know times are hard, but to peddle […]
Man Seen Walking on Sunshine
Springfield, MO—Local man, Jerry Wades, was recently seen walking on Sunshine this week. Reports suggest that he wasn’t fully aware of his situation or the irony of his chosen mode of transportation. According to his good friend, Nora Billows, Wades had just received word that he was to receive a promotion at work and was […]
Criminals Target Teens with Grandparent Scam
Springfield, MO—According to sources, scammers posing as elderly people are calling teens asking them to “bring ‘em their slippers”, “rub grandpa’s feet” and asking for permission to “pinch those cuuuuuuute cheeks” among other things such as money, medicine and fresh baked goods. The ring of criminal activity targets teens asking them for favors. The callers […]
