All Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"
Snow-Fearing Ozarkians Lose Their Effin’ Minds
Springfield, MO—Mass hysteria has blanketed the Ozarks pending a predicted snowfall that is estimated to be the largest accumulation since 1912, essentially Ozarkians have lost their effin’ minds. “I went to the store as soon as I done heard there was gonna be a Snownado come up and take us all to the icy hell,” […]
It Burns When You Learn at UTI
Springfield, MO—Universal Technical Institute, a system of technical schools specializing in automotive repairs, was recently surprised to learn that its abbreviation also refers to urinary tract infections. Officials at UTI were confused by a sudden rash of questions after airing television commercials for the school here in the Ozarks. “We were curious why people were calling […]
Mary Kay Meeting At Pink Cadillac Lounge
Springfield, MO—Newly hired Mary Kay representative, Joan Fingersaver, recently booked the annual Mary Kay annual chapter meeting at the best location she had never visited, the Pink Cadillac on South Glenstone Street. “Oh no I’ve never been there but I thought it would be the perfect place for our meeting, I mean, we drive pink […]
Overwatch Manor Doghouse Biggest In Missouri
Highlandville, MO—Construction crews are bringing the largest doghouse to the Ozarks, and once completed will be one of the biggest dog homes in America. Visible from HWY 65, the canine fortress will reside next to Overwatch Manor and be known as Overwatch Kennel. Records indicate Steven T. Huff, founder of Overwatch Systems, is listed on […]
Old Man Winter Bitch Slaps Ozarks
Springfield, MO—Old Man Winter sat his white, shriveled butt right above the Ozarks yesterday and blew the coldest, most bitter wind onto the area straight from his frigid arse. “I was walking to work and Old Man Winter sucker punched me in the legs with a bitterly cold wind. The dude has old man strength […]
No Pants Celebrated at Local Subway
Springfield, MO—Local participants in the “No Pants Subway Ride Day” had little choice to display their pant-less selves other than at the local Subway restaurant. Scores of Ozarkers showed up to the Subway location at 605 E. Harrison Street to take part in the global annual tradition started by Improv Everywhere in 2002. “We here […]
Twenty-Four Springfield Cardinals Suddenly Fall From Sky in Central Springfield
Springfield, MO—At approximately two o’ clock Wednesday afternoon, twenty-four Springfield Cardinals spontaneously fell from the sky, littering central Springfield with dead bodies. It has yet to be determined what caused the sudden drop of these baseball players, or what they were doing in the sky, for that matter. Chris Pilgrim was in the area walking […]
Rain Dance Flub
BeeBe, AR. – News of the estimated 1,000 dead black birds that seemed to rain from the sky last Friday in nearby Arkansas has authorities and locals stumped as to the cause of this strange event – until now. Local medicine man of the Quapaw Ouachita Mountain Indian Reservation has came forward and confessed that […]
3-Way Craigslist Ad Leads to Steak n Shake
Springfield, MO – An ad posted on the popular classified site Craigslist recently promised area residents a 3-way if they went to the corner of Campbell & Swan or Glenstone & Cinderella. Johnny Moronico of Bois D’Arc replied to the ad only to find he was getting Chili from Steak N Shake and not the […]
Ft. Wood Attacked by Mighty Black Tornado
Springfield, MO—Fort Leonard Wood was recently attacked by a mighty black tornado, ripping through soldier’s ranks like a tear in a lost lottery ticket. The force of nature completely dominated the most powerful military force on Earth with little regard for repercussions. Former President Bush said, “These tornadoes are devastating, when cold and warm air […]
Google Crushes Local Mom and Pop Search Engine
Springfield, MO – Bob and Erma Matthews have been running Bob and Erma’s Search Engine for fifty one years from a small storefront on St. Louis Street. Those days will soon be coming to an end as Bob says they just can’t compete anymore. “The Google is just so fast, with access to so much […]
Student Misses School Closing Screen Crawl
Springfield, MO—Jude Kimmers, a sophomore at Hillcrest High School totally missed the “s” section of the school closing screen crawl on the local news this morning. According to his sister, Jamie, Kimmers had been watching the morning news in hopes that Springfield Public Schools would close due to icy road conditions. “Jude was glued to […]
New Crimes Invented at SGF Crime Lab
Springfield, MO—The Missouri State Highway Patrol Crime Lab has recently revealed that it has been working on secret new crimes that could be committed in our lifetime. Some of the rumored new crimes include time traveling into the past and making contact with relatives irrevocable changing the future, gaining access to a parallel universe and […]
Ozarks Hunter Sees Five-Headed Buck
Springfield, MO—Local hunter Hal Nimmers said he saw a giant buck over the weekend but chose not to harvest the deer because he wanted to see “how big it’d be next year.” “I was in my tree stand when a giant five-headed deer came stomping through the brush, each head had at least 14 points. […]
Long’s Pedicurist Leaks Reelection Slogan
Springfield, MO—In the wake of the November 2 election, Billy Long’s camp has wasted no time in putting together a plan for his reelection campaign. According to a woman who identifies herself as Long’s pedicurist, Long will abandon his extremely popular “Fed Up?” slogan in 2012. The pedicurist, who would like to remain nameless, claims […]
