All Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"
Tornado Warning Issued Until October
Springfield, MO—Local meteorologist have issued a tornado warning to last the entire spring and summer of 2011: experts expect the alert to expire sometime in early October. “The Ozarks are blessed with fantastic weather, we just have a small patch of time -7 months – when God’s finger can destroy your home, belongings and […]
Naked Billboard Arouses Bachelor’s Interest
Springfield, MO – In the school’s latest effort to drive undergraduate enrollment, Ozarks Technical College launched a new outdoor ad campaign that’s exposing Springfield to the desirability of higher education. Featuring a female co-ed whose lady bumps are obscured only by the thin shield of her laptop, the billboards have been turning heads and dropping […]
James River Breaks Up With America
Springfield, MO—James River Assembly has bid adieu to America for the time being. Due to an upcoming summer of unknowing circumstances, JRA has decided to break up with America. Says a source, “We will always love America but we can no longer continue to date.” James River Assembly and I Love America had been […]
Vineyard, Pancake House Merge to Form “Martha’s”
Springfield, MO—In this economy, local businesses are seeking unconventional ways to stay afloat, recently Martha’s Pancake House and Martha’s Vineyard decided to make the journey to profitability together by merging together to form “Martha’s.” The new joint venture will feature 24-hour combination of pancake house during the day and a gay nightlife destination during […]
Half-Man, Half-Segway Patrols Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO- The Battlefield Mall has a new unsung protector to keep the shopping center free from crime. Officer Max Thurgood, otherwise known as Sego-Cop, can be seen wheeling in justice at a relaxed-to-somewhat-moderate pace. The two-wheeled avenger has stopped numerous crimes such as loitering, littering, and looking like you are up-to-no-good. ‘It started when […]
Soldiers Help Clean Dirty Senior Citizens
Springfield, MO—Soldiers from Fort Leonard Wood helped clean up several yards of dirty senior citizens in the Ozarks this past weekend. The unclean senior citizens were lined up in section several feet long for the ritualistic cleansing held at the Battlefield Mall parking lot. Some involved weren’t aware of the coming shower, rinse and louse […]
Local Kids Found “Sheening” in Parking Lot
Nixa, MO—A new synthetic drug is on the market made of tiger’s blood and Adonis’ DNA and when used is referred to as “Sheening”. The new stimulant is rising in popularity and is threatening to unseat the Ozarks as the capital of methamphetamine production. The drug has becoming so popular that kids across the Ozarks […]
Bitter Old Miser Shown True Meaning of President’s Day
Springfield, MO- Edgar Scrumb, owner of Scrum Mortgage and Loan, was taught a valuable lesson about caring, giving, and the true meaning of President’s Day by three spirits. Edgar’s horrify night started after telling his employees they have to work on President’s day. That night he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and […]
PUBLIC CELEBRATES “REDUCED PRICE CHOCOLATE DAY”
Springfield, MO – As news spread of plentiful chocolate supplies left over from Valentines’ Day, stores have drastically reduced the price of sweets packaged in red and/or heart shaped containers beginning February 15th. Chocolates can now be found up to 50% off at most chocolate merchants around the area. Local candy store owner Julie Sweet […]
Springfield Again Warm After Slaying White Witch
Springfield, MO- Frigid temperatures and constant snowfall are no longer a problem thanks to Springfield citizens slaying the White Witch. The White Witch, who resides in her dark castle at 1366 Cedar Way, has been plaguing the Ozarks with blizzards, icy temperatures, and horrible road conditions since late January. No one knows the source of […]
79 Spartans Vote to Victory!
Sparta, MO—Spartan voters approved issuing $2.5 million in bonds for improvements to the water and sewer system in Sparta this past week. The new water and sewer system will include a bottomless pit for sewer waste that shall remain uncovered and reside within the center of the city. Only scantily clad Spartan warriors will stand […]
Brown Derby Actually Black
Springfield, MO—According to sources, the Brown Derby is actually black. Brown Derby, one of America’s 10 Best Retailers according to Liquor Store Magazine, is recognized as the Ozarks leading provider of spirits, wines and confusing combinations of logo colors and names. Since 1937, the store has featured a black line drawing as the store’s leading […]
McDonald’s Overwhelmed With People Preparing For Snow Storm
Springfield, MO. –Deemed the worst storm to hit the Ozarks since 2003, the massive snow storm front sweeping the nation has been called many names such as: “Snolocaust”, “Snowpocolypse”, even “Snowmageddon”. Its impending smack down in our region has local residents preparing for the worse. “I’m not going to get caught with my pants down […]
