All Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"
Children Affected After Jump Mania Outbreak
Springfield, MO—Thousands of children in the Ozarks have been diagnosed with a certain psychiatric disease known only as “Jump Mania”. Children have been seen jumping uncontrollably across the city in grocery stores, libraries and schools at random. Dr. Rufus Sondgram said, “Jump Mania varies in intensity, from mild jump to full-blown mania with psychotic features […]
KY3 Changes Format to Cover KY News
Springfield, MO—After serving the Ozark Plateau area of Southwestern Missouri for over 50 years, local television station KY3 recently realized that the “KY” indicated that they should be reporting on news related to the state of Kentucky, not Southwest Missouri. Said the station general manager, “We were embarrassed and a lot surprised when one of […]
National Bubba Day Sparks Riot at Walmart
Springfield Mo- As we all know June 2nd is the national celebration of Bubba day. Beet Farmers, Cattle Handlers, and other Bumpkins take the day off to remember loved ones and embrace the traditional family name that started right here in the Ozarks. The holiday started in 1862 by co-founders Bubba Jenkins and Bubba […]
Rapture Believers Looking for Jobs
Springfield, MO—Scores of people who believed the Rapture was coming last Saturday are desperately looking for a way to continue their old boring lives. Dozens of people in the Ozarks quit their jobs, spent their savings and were planning to rise up in the sky as of 6pm May 21st. When the earthquakes didn’t […]
Ghetto Ziplock® Brand Baggies Introduced
Springfield, MO—Locally based Jordan Valley Innovation Center has introduced a new product to the marketplace: Ziplock® branded ghetto baggies. The new sealable, portable storage devices are decorated with colorful graphics and have an urban look and feel for users who prefer to carry their perishables with more street cred. Innovation scientist Herby Jamison said, “No, […]
2012 Cox Sucker Days Announced
Nixa, MO—The Nixa Sucker Days committee is proud to announce it has a new title sponsor this year, Cox Health. The event, now known as Cox Sucker Days, will be held in Nixa as scheduled this year, with a few changes. Ted Crass, chairman of the event said, “We’re proud to welcome Cox Health […]
Winter Bone’s Sequel: Summer’s Kidney Starts Filming In May
Forsyth, MO- Due to the critical success of the drama “Winter’s Bone”, filming for the sequel, Summer’s Kidney will start this May. The entire cast will return, stating “They left us in the Ozarks to die. Please someone help us. Call a limo.” Sources say the plot revolves around Ree trying to find a […]
Cinco de Mayonnaise Celebrated in Ozark
Ozark, MO—Phillip Hershaw and Chad Netmeg celebrated Cinco de Mayonnaise on the fifth of May this year as a tribute to the heritage of French culinary arts, which unbeknownst to them, flies directly in the face of Cinco de Mayo, a celebration that commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle […]
Royal Couple to Honeymoon in Branson
Branson, MO—According to Royal sources, William, Duke of Cambridge and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, are headed to Branson for their regal honeymoon this month. Catherine and William, who had been under a microscope by the wacky Royalists (those who fantasize about royalty) in the weeks leading up to their wedding, sought some privacy for […]
Osama Sushi Roll Unveiled in Ozarks
Springfield, MO—Local sushi hotspot Komodo Dragon has unveiled it’s latest creation: the roll they are calling the “NoMoOsama Roll”. Made up of roasted goat, a dash of crude oil and just a hint of spent ammunition, the NoMoOsama is a hit with local patrons who wish to celebrate the demise of Public Enemy Numero […]
Nixa Hellhound Releases Birth Certificate
Nixa, MO—After years of speculation and conspiracy, Paul the Nixa Hellhound, released his original long-form birth certificate yesterday in an attempt to prove that he exists. No known persons had asked for the paperwork, yet it appeared online early in the day. “Paul wants the record to be set straight regarding his existence. He […]
Naked Man Taunts Gods of Rain, Flood Waters
Springfield, MO—As thoughtless rains flooded the Ozarks on Monday one man, Charles Naysmith climbed to the top of his roof held onto his ancient TV antennae and shouted, “You call this a storm?!” as a last ditch effort to mock the gods of flooding and constant rain. Naysmith was called away from work to […]
Man Still Trying to Leave Rock’n Ribs
Springfield, MO—Local man, Charlie Swangar, is still attempting to leave the 12th Annual Rock’n Ribs BBQ Festival presented by the Rotary Clubs of Springfield. According to reports, Swanger entered the Bass Pro parking lot on Saturday April 16th and has been attempting to navigate his way out of the traffic for several days. “The […]
Giant Fly Zapper Atop St. John’s Rids City of Mosquitoes
Springfield, MO—A new feature will be added to the cross that resides on St. John’s Hospital this Spring—a new zapper element to eliminate nuisance bugs in the Springfield area. The St. John’s bug zapper, known as Cross Zapper 3000, is anticipated to attract and kill more than 200,000 disease-carrying insects in a single evening. Pending […]
