All Entries Tagged With: "Ozarks"
Real Bears Adopt Street
Springfield, MO – Local bears have adopted a street to clean and keep tidy in Southeast Springfield near Luster and Cragmont. According to the bears, they are hoping to raise awareness to their plight as an indigenous species in the Ozarks. City officials claim that the bears filed the necessary paperwork for street adoption and […]
SOLO to Open Huge Frozen Yogurt Company
Springfield, MO – Peachwave, Fro Yo, Orange Leaf, Andy’s, and other frozen dessert companies, this is your warning: Solo Cup has announced that they will soon be serving the largest frozen yogurt in the Ozarks. Solo Cup, a plant that has been dormant for several years, has recently made plans to serve the creamy goodness […]
Councilman Road Warrior to Patrol City Streets
Springfield, MO – City voters have bestowed a unique honor upon a brave councilman after he displayed dogged-determination and excellent decision making skills to pursue and confront a poor driver; the new position–a division of the street enforcement team – will be known as City Councilman Road Warrior. “He’s pretty good at finding less than […]
Big Smith Splits; Announces Reunion Tour
Springfield, MO – After nearly 15 years of touring, recording and performing the most original sound to come out of the Ozarks, local group Big Smith has announced that they are unplugging their 12” 3-speed oscillating band. Reunion tour details are forthcoming, however it will be known as “Bigger Smith”. Professor of Musicology, Rand Jonserson […]
Goths Reintroduced to Downtown Square
Springfield, MO – The Missouri Department of Conservation has successfully baited and trapped 49 goths for reintroduction to their natural habitat on the downtown square. The goth population was temporarily removed while their homeland was undergoing improvements. According to reports, the department will test the goths for a series of diseases before the can […]
Strafford Schools Adopt Chupacabra as School Mascot
Strafford, MO – After the recent capture of the mythical creature and cryptozoological wonder, the Chupacabra, Strafford school district has decided to adopt the creature as their newest mascot. “Known as the donkey-sucker, we thought it would be the perfect intimidation factor when we play our opponents on the athletic field or on the […]
Marshall Law Declared When Chaos Reigns Due to 2.99 Gas
Springfield, MO- The Missouri National Guard responded to Springfield citizens who gave into their darkest, most savage nature when gas prices dropped below $3.00 a gallon this week. With prices so low Springfieldians turned on family, friends, strangers, and societal order to fill their tanks for 5 cents less a gallon. The gas-crazy mob […]
Dorial Green-Beckham Catches Ball, Runs Length of United States
Springfield, MO – Hillcrest High School senior football wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham broke a national record tonight by catching a slant pass and running to Washington State in record time. No other athlete has ever attempted this feat and DGB didn’t know that he had completed a record-breaking catch until he reached the Pacific […]
Zombies Offended By MO Dept. of Conservation Hoax
Springfield, MO – Scores of Ozarks walking dead community were offended by the Missouri Department of Conservation this week and their use of an internet hoax aimed to raise awareness around general safety and conservation messages. The hoax involved a fake alert that Missouri is experiencing an invasion of species alert centered around zombies […]
Record High for Ozark Haunted House Foreclosures
Springfield MO- Haunted house foreclosures in the Ozarks are at an all-time high leaving various ghouls, ghost and other creatures of the night homeless. Because of the foreclosures the abominations of evil are having to move into hotels, stay at relative’s houses, or (in case of trolls) pan handle under a bridge. Many are […]
Shooting Range Hosts Gangsta Day
Ash Grove, MO – The Andy Dalton shooting range is vying to attract more urban sportsman by holding its first annual “Gangsta Days”. Younger shooters are increasingly hard to come by and the “Gansta Days” event is targeted at the youth of the Ozarks. “Inner city kids relate to Jay-Z, 50 Cent, and […]
Human Models Put Mannequins Out of Work
Springfield, MO – People gathered and gawked outside of Staxx and Moda at last weekend’s Art Walk, admiring the realness and mobility of the mannequins standing in the business’ windows. It was later discovered that the mannequins were actually human models, wearing human clothes and standing as still as humanly possible, just like mannequins […]
SGF Cardinals Adopt “Rally Bass”
Springfield, MO – To capitalize on the success of the St. Louis Cardinals rally squirrel, the local farm team has adopted a team mascot equally powerful in producing wins. The new mascot has ties to the Ozarks and is simply known as the “Rally Bass”. The Rally Bass was first seen floppin’ his way from […]
Netflix Buys Major Video, Focuses on VHS Rentals
Springfield, MO – Attempting to please its Ozarks customer base, Netflix has announced the purchase of Major Video on Glenstone street to serve as a brick and mortar storefront allowing for casual VHS rentals. The news comes just days after Netflix identified sister company Qwikster as an awful idea spawned from the head of […]
Ozarkians Remember Steve Jobs
Springfield, MO – With the passing of Steve Jobs, the visionary and co-founder of Apple, people from around the Ozarks are remembering his legacy and reflecting on the profound effect he had on their lives. “He made them iThingy’s right?” waxed Norma Grace Dean of Ava, MO, “I seen them once on the television, […]
