All Entries Tagged With: "News"
Skateport King Loses Battle to MODOT, Rink to Close
Springfield, MO –Skateport King Barry Melvin released a statement announcing the closure of Skateport next year, a place that some consider a local landmark. The closure was deemed necessary by MODOT and is expected to ease congestion on south Glenstone with a new access road located at the site. Melvin appointed himself “King of Skateport” […]
Downtown to Host 5k for 5k Awareness
Springfield, MO – According to a recent poll, Springfieldians are less aware of the importance of 5k fundraising and will be enlightened by this 5k for 5k Awareness run. Event staff are accepting applications now and are continuing education around 5k benefits to runners and charity recipients. “We want to communicate to our community that […]
Plane Crashing Into Meteor Landing on Meth House Creates Loud Booms
Springfield, MO – Thousands of citizens experienced a very rare noise last night as a military plane broke the sound barrier and immediately collided with a meteorite entering Earth’s atmosphere, then both landed atop a well-known meth house causing a secondary explosion. “I heard it at my pappy’s house down in Nixa, never thought I’d […]
KY3 Trades Jacob to KSPR for Draft Picks, Cash
Springfield, MO – KYTV has announced a trade to sister station KSPR this week involving on air talent Jerry Jacob and Joe Daues that includes first round draft picks and cash considerations. Terms of the deal have not been finalized but details have emerged exclusively for our readers. “Most people aren’t aware of the January […]
Giant Snowman Farting Snowflakes Over Ozarks
Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service has confirmed that a gigantic snowman stretching 2-miles high, has been responsible for the farting snowflakes over the Ozarks this week. The sputtering of snow began after the lumbering 10,560 foot ate some bad shrimp during its journey from North Texas to the East Coast. The NWS, tasked […]
Home Schoolers Get Snow Day Shaft
Springfield, MO – For the second school day in a row, home school students are stuck inside their classrooms not able to go outside and enjoy the snow while Springfield Public School scholars are free to make snowmen, sled and pound each other with snowballs. “Seriously, I gotta stay inside again and study while the […]
Customized Tank Shop Coming to Town!
Republic, MO – The city of Republic has announced that a $4.8 million manufacturing plant being built there should create 77 new jobs to construct awesome customized tanks. Sherlock Metal Masters, a company that designs and fabricates custom tanks with a variety of options including chop tops, show-stopping suicide-style, gull-wing or flip-up doors, custom grill, […]
Drone Prostitute Delivery Tested in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Local pimp daddy Le Freak Mosho’ has announced that 3 months of drone delivery testing has proved successful and delivery of his ho’s might be available to the general public in as little as 14 months. The Federal Aviation Administration needs to sign off on the proposed flight plans, and Mosho’ says […]
Holiday Homeowners Infected with LED Poisoning
Springfield, MO – An annual family tradition of decorating several lawns with Christmas lights, animated displays and thousands of LED lights to celebrate the holidays and entertain carloads of spectators has been a much anticipated event, however, this year a grim reality prognosis has developed within the family known as a rare form of LED […]
Oxygen on Tap at Heritage Cafeteria
Springfield, MO – Diners can now enjoy free tableside oxygen at Springfield’s landmark cafeteria along with food steeped in tradition. The additional service is provided as an incentive to bring in more customers in the ultra-competitive restaurant scene. “We cater to an older generation of customers who appreciate extra details to enhance their experience. The […]
Salty Bear Nuts Actually Quite Tasty
Springfield, MO – Missouri State Bears fans now have the unique opportunity to eat Bear Nuts, which are widely available across Ozarks grocery stores. Bear Nuts are consumed by grabbing a handful, cupping the nuts and slamming them into a wide open mouth. “I like to support my local team and I can’t think of […]
Mom & Pop Health Food Stores Cry Foul
With an irony sweet as a hunk of marbled halvah, local mom and pop health food stores are accusing the multi-outlet, mega health food juggernaut, Mama Jean’s, of running them out of business. “We just can’t compete with a store that has multiple locations, two in upscale parts of the city, that can buy in […]
Gillioz Auction Conducted Via Reality Talent Show
Springfield, MO – The forthcoming auction of the Gillioz Theatre has interesting stipulations surrounding the protocol around purchasing the property: bidders must perform on stage and be voted and selected by a national audience. Similar to reality show such as The X Factor, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, participants in the auction will […]
Traffic Cone Guy Hunts Bad Drivers
Springfield, MO – Based off of numerous first-hand accounts, the Missouri Department of Transportation has a new ally in the fight for highway safety and it is known as Traffic Cone Guy. Several motorists have claimed that they have been stopped after an unsafe merge or careless driving by the robotic monstrosity and issued a […]
Downtown Preacher to Address Court with Microphone and Amplifier
Springfield, MO – Described as noisy, annoying and filled with the obnoxious spirit, one downtown preacher has received at least seven tickets for disturbing the peace and plans to represent himself with his self-proclaimed talent for rhetoric coupled with an amplifier and microphone. “This preacher likely saw the Sham-wow guy and thought, ‘hey, I too […]
