All Entries Tagged With: "News"
Giant Flaming Eagle Terrorizes Independence Day Celebrators
Springfield, MO – Yesterday a rare flaming eagle was seen screaming across the night’s sky across the southeast side of town. Witnesses said they were unsure what the flying object was until they heard a piercing shrill cry and saw the bird of freedom soaring over their homes, spitting fire from its glorious tail feathers. […]
Lebanon School District Administrators Placed in Trailers
Lebanon, MO – Parents of special education students were pleased to learn that Lebanon School District administrators were recently placed in an un-air-conditioned trailer behind the school’s campus until they can come up with a plan to properly integrate their children and reverse the segregating their loved ones have been exposed to from the rest […]
Ozarkers In Heat Advisory – No Reproduction Efforts Allowed
Springfield, MO – According to Health officials, Southwest Missouri is in an “in heat advisory” which means people shouldn’t engage in any sexual activity. Record heat and heat indexes have locals’ sweaty panties in a wad. Any activity geared towards reproduction is highly discouraged while this dry, hot weather is in effect. “I was all […]
Doctors Dread Wedding Season “Bouquet” Injuries
Springfield, MO- With wedding season in full swing many focus on the beautiful ceremony, fun receptions, and wishing the new couple off amiss a shower of bird seed or bubbles. But, there is an evil side to the proceedings, a side that many Springfield area health care professionals fear: the bouquet toss. This dark ritual […]
Area Conservative Mothers Have “Fifty Shades of Gray” Book Burning…Almost
Springfield, MO- Book bans and burnings are not unusual occurrences in the Bible Belt, so it is so surprised that the racy “mommy porn” novel “Fifty Shades of Gray” was set in the sights of numerous area conservatives. The burning was set to take place in the parking lot of Hilldale Church on June 18th, […]
Contagious Disease Night At Hammons Field Announced
Springfield, MO – Springfield Cardinals management announced the newest promotional night to be held next month formerly known as “Contagious Disease” night. It is a promotion that will allow any person with a contagious disease free admission to the stadium. Those who have photographs of themselves with a contagious disease will also be permitted admission. […]
Wallenda Crosses Jordan Valley Fountain on High Wire
Springfield, MO – Yesterday, aerialist Nik Wallenda became the first person to cross directly over the Jordan Valley fountain on a high wire. “No one had ever thought to do that before,” said Wallenda who just recently crossed Niagara Falls last week. “After he crossed the horseshoe falls, I’ll believe he could cross over anything […]
Baptist vs. Buddhist Biker
Springfield, MO- A member of the Buddhist faith was tested yesterday as a gigantic Christian cross was hurled at him while biking near First Baptist Church on South Street. “Ohm….mmmmmmmmmm…O’my GOD!” screamed bicyclist Bud Alstum as he narrowly escaped the clanging carrier of Christian sin when it struck the street behind him. According to witnesses, […]
Train Robbery Averted Near Branson, MO
Branson, MO – According to multiple eye witnesses, two men attempted to rob a passenger train yesterday. The would-be thieves requested any and all gold, silver and precious metals while terrifying many train passengers. “From what I could tell, the robbers stood on the tracks and flagged down the train, which I wasn’t even sure […]
Silver Dollar City Goes Through De-Monstering For Kids Festival
Branson, MO- With Silver Dollar City’s Kidsfest in full swing, many preparations are being made. Rides are being tested, candy is being cottonized, big name stars like “Backyardigans and Sponge Bob” are being catered with their every need, and monsters are being destroyed. “Kid’s safety is the number one priority here at Silver Dollar City […]
Brat Hut Looks to Add Shaking Bratwurst to Shack Top
Springfield, MO – Local brat-shop Bratwurst Hutte plans to add an enormous shaking traffic stopper to their location on East Battlefield road soon. Several options include a very large sausage, a gyrating bratwurst or several big hot dogs bundled together to draw attention from drivers traversing Battlefield road. According to Pineapple Whip employee Kale McFritters, […]
