All Entries Tagged With: "News"
Area Libraries Hold Tolkien Festival Because Libraries Are Simply Not Dorky Enough
Springfield, MO- With Springfield Public Libraries’ dork levels at an all time low, many library administers are pulling out all the stops to re-nerdify the sacred geeky haven. After many failed attempts such as a Star Trek fan fiction night and Dr. Who poetry readings, the powers at be decided a Tolkien Festival will be […]
Some Republicans Actually Still have Todd Akin Signs in Their Yards
SPRINGFIELD, MO – Republicans and Democrats alike are shocked to find that even after so many controversial comments from Republican senate candidate Todd ‘Legitimate Rape’ Akin, some Republicans still, for some reason, have signs supporting him in their front yards. “It’s mind-blowing. Just that anyone could support him after what he’s said is crazy,” said […]
Romney Wants to Cut Funding to Tom Trtan’s Mustache
Springfield, MO - Wednesday night was the first of a set of three presidential debates between former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama. Pundits on both sides agree that Romney was the clear winner. Romney appeared more prepared, more energetic, and with a better grasp of the issues. To many, however, it was one […]
Akin Campaign Rebrands Itself with New “Re-Todd” Slogan
Jefferson City, MO – In a bid to resurrect his image to Missouri voters and distance himself from past statements, Rep. Todd Akin’s U.S. Senate campaign has rebranded themselves with a new slogan. The campaign team thought it was important to give voters a fresh impression of the man that Republicans see as key to […]
Flavored Meth Featured at Taste of Springfield
Springfield, MO – Native cuisines will be featured at SW Missouri’s growing festival, Taste of Springfield, this weekend downtown on the square. One specific booth will feature a recipe widely regarded as more popular than Chef David Leong’s cashew chicken: methamphetamines. The flavored meth booth will be one of 25-30 local restaurant exhibitors, cooking technique […]
Springfield Panhandlers Go On Strike
Springfield, MO- Blaming low pay, poor work conditions, and lack of benefits, local panhandlers are refusing to go to “work” starting on Thursdays. Panhandlers (who have been unionized since the late 80’s) Union Local 45 tells FCN unless conditions improve the homeless citizens will not be lifting a finger. A list of grievances given to […]
Apple Maps Drive SGF to the Core of Frustration
Springfield, MO – Apple’s new iPhone mapping software has caused quite a few problems in Springfield, FCN has learned. “I spent 3 hours following my iPhone trying to find the corner of Glenstone and Campbell to find that damn Jack in the Box,” St Louis native Andrea Piacello said in disgust while eating tacos from […]
Strippin’ Section of Sunshine Street Leads to Awkward Conversations
Springfield, MO- Charles Cranward’s trip down Sunshine street caused many awkward situations due to the numerous strip clubs and adult novelty shops on Tuesday. When the mid-level accountant drove from Bass Pro Shops to his home in west Springfield with his two daughters, Madison (age 9) and Lizzy (age 5), he had to face a […]
Robert E. Smith Mona Lisa Discovered
Springfield, MO – Leonardo da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” has just become more mysterious due to the discovery of another painting unearthed by late local artist Robert E. Smith. The Smith version of Mona Lisa predates the original and begs the question, how did he do it? “Smith was always a timeless personality – I had […]
First Man on Moon Aided by Steroids
Marshfield, MO – The United States Anti-Doping Agency, in an ever-continuing effort to aggressively attack all things Armstrong, has announced that according to the replica Hubble Telescope in Marshfield, Missouri – Neil Armstrong had once tested positive for anabolic steroids. Only weeks after the legendary astronaut and first man on the moon, died from complications […]
NFL Hires Sammy B. Good as Referee
Springfield, MO – National Football League (NFL) officials have a new face to help call games – Sammy B. Good. Good was added to the officiating ranks to help add credibility to the struggling replacement refs who have yet to gain the full confidence of NFL players, coaches, fans, people who prefer ballet, aborigines, and […]
Cox Health Opens “The Cup” Sports Medicine Center
Springfield, MO – Cox Health has opened a new sports medicine center in the Bone & Joint Center on National Street and will be commonly known as the Cup. Cox Health employees will be strictly forbidden to refer to the structure as the Cup, yet many citizens have already latched onto the name. “The Cox […]
Fifth Andy’s Location Creates Insidious Pentagram around Springfield
Springfield, MO- With the prophesied fifth Andy’s location opening in the next several days many Springfieldians are worried about the ominous symbol that is created when you connect all the locations of the fame ice cream shops. By putting dots on the map of Springfield over Andy’s locations, a pentagram can be seen that encases […]
Remington’s: Moms Shop for Kid’s Clothes Where They Were Once Knocked Up
Springfield, MO – Moms who were knocked up by visiting Remington’s Nightclub were back recently to buy clothing for the children they birthed from relationships forged at the former country and western bar and dance club. “I never thought I’d have a building grow with me but Remington’s has done just that. When I was […]
Springfield Public Schools Bans “Emo Hairstyle” Do To Hair Related Injuries
Springfield, MO- A new dangerous hair style has found its way to Springfield and administration has taken steps to combat the damage. Having bangs over one or both eyes (also know as Emo bangs) has caused numerous injuries including: falling down stairs, tripping over own laces, and running straight into lockers. “We are on this […]
